Be seen not heard pretty girl, and you'll be loved

For me life has been pretty cyclic in nature, always going in phases; seasons like life on Earth. Some look at it as something to look forward to, 'the summer of your personal life is coming soon, this winter will soon pass' I personally don't. If I never had to experience anything like that which I felt as a kid, I would be more than grateful. Its because of those experiences I am who I am today; believe it or not I was this way as a tyke too. Cuckolded into an obedient, loyal, silent, god-fearing, perfectionist at home, I was more than pleased for the escape of school each weekday. School meant freedom, speech, learning, and most of all engaging people who weren't following the rules of my master at home. Sometimes this exploratory nature got me notes home to my master pinned on my chest, but it was worth the risk and the beating that came with the receipt of that notice. I have been a passionate purveyor for the right for individuals to have peace, to not be harassed, to not be bullied, and to not be ostracized for who they are if they aren't antagonizing others; its part of the reason why I love New York so much. Let your freak flag fly, is one of the best feelings you can give someone...comfort in their own skin. My freak flag, although to many may not seem that freaky at all, was recently doused in flames by a friend who found me to be embarrassing; 'stressful'. My personal promises to myself as a scared, broke, homeless, pre-adolescent living in a children's shelter on Chicago's Northwest side at age 11 were simple; 1) Respect yourself; never succumb to the allure of what a man can do for you in exchange for money 2) Don't take any unnecessary shit off any man, woman, or child. This means verbal assault, sexual attack, belittling, etc...Fight back! 3) Don't be stupid/naive. People will hurt, use, and abuse you for pure enjoyment. Bulk up on both book and street smarts. I survived the shelter, the group homes, the foster homes, my abusive parents and grandparents, the ViceLord gangs, mean girls, rude boys, doubtful social workers and teachers, and the scum of life by these rules as a child and today as an adult. When anything happens to me and falls into any of the above rule infractions I will defend myself by any means necessary. To put it mildly I may just die protecting and defending myself. I don't need anyone in my corner, especially doubtfully. I don't need you to fight my battles, but if me fighting my battles embarrasses, exhausts, or betwixt you, then its best we part ways. This isn't a case of some 'independent woman, strong black woman' media created misnomer crap, this is real, everyday, love of self and recognition of self-value. There is not a month that goes by that even as a 31 year old adult, I fantasize about what it would have been like to have loved ones; I can't seem to shake it. In my fantasy I imagine my mom & dad would be fierce fighters for individuality and freedom too. They would be smart, affectionate, compassionate people who would encourage me towards good, and comfort me after good fails. I imagine that when I tell them about that flame throwing friend, they would tell me 'she should have stood by your side honey, you did the right thing in protecting yourself from harm'. But they're not here, they've never existed. I write this as tears infiltrate my stony, once cherubic face, in accepting that I am alone, losing a friend, and lonely in the face of not being continuously disrespected by someone I loved, and not being backed by someone I trusted. If 'be seen, not heard' is the price to pay for love, then I suppose I'm a miserly loser in life. My heart is a fragment of the beauty that it was born with. Clingy to the notion of happiness like that of a young to its parent. I haven't closed my mind off to untainted love, by I have realized that its standing is merely ajar.