Dynamic vs Static

The other day an older professional man referred to me as a 'dynamic woman' to someone who works in the VC funding arena, and it set an alarm off in my head. While the dictionary defines dynamic as 'pertaining to or characterized by energy or effective action' in my field dynamic refers to something that has to constantly be refreshed, like dynamic web pages that are generated in real-time. I will cop to constantly needing to be refreshed, constantly needing something to tie me to what's happening right now, versus what could be happening later. I struggle in an effort to balance my naturally birth attributed desire to live a natural, fun, free-flowing life where money is not my biggest problem and real love (not that fake bff stuff) is abundant. Instead, I live a life where money is not my biggest issue, most of what I do I can say is un-natural (e.g. staring at a computer minimum 12 hours a day), fun is limited, and love is even more scarce. Stress, disappointment, and unrequited affection are static (fixed) for me. Static life has brittled my hair, made my stomach an angry black sea, and keeps me on a sleeping pattern of choppy rest from 2am-6:30am average. I have actual carpal tunnel from finger to elbow and my skin now rejects too much time spent in the sun as a result of not having a good balance between this good and evil; dynamic and static. I want to be a dynamic woman. I have so much energy in me and it all wastes idly as I indenture myself to the capitalistic machine of the new corporate America. My inner dynamo would be happy to learn for the rest of her life; earning degree after degree, and sharing my knowledge through teachings. My inner dynamo wants to live in a space where someone says they actually care about you, and it translates to you feeling it; they're not just pacifying words. Inner dynamo doesn't mind working hard, but wants it to make more than a financial difference for someone. I admire my inner dynamo, and yet I'm slowly killing her. My latest professional conquest has now put me at the very top of my field. In fact,in some/most companies Director is the highest level with few having V.P. titles. So in my mind I'm done. I've just flipped this video game and I'm ready to try a new one now! I want to be a combination of dynamic and static girl. I want to give my inner dynamo a chance at becoming a reality.

Not a Mac Truck, Not Quite a Butterfly

Why can't I be accepted as the somewhere in-between? Why is it most women are comfortable with my dualistic nature of strength and autonomy?

But men, oh you men, you hate to see a woman like myself possibly be more of a Mac Truck than you could ever be. You degrade me when you sense that I have an aire of confidence and strength, in a an effort to bring me down to your low, juvenile comprehension level. You see my strength and independence as a direct challenge to your not fully-formed manhood and think of ways to attack me.

Your most common form of attack is the tired but true hyper-sexualization of me. You boil everything I am down, all that I am created of and from, and amass it to one large sexual character. I go from possibly being the next great tech or legal mind, to being the next best Betty Boop.

Excuse me for not being the easiest thing you've ever done in your life, disallowing for a very undeserving pat on the back. I apologize for being tall, I actually think this is not directly my fault, as it is the fault of my parents. I apologize for calling you on your weak shit, you want all the luxuries and benefits of a good boyfriend and partner, yet you barely scrape by as a passable early Tuesday evening date. Forgive me for requiring that you respect my virtue, and when you don't putting you in the place where you belong; repeatedly. Apologies if I simply don't appreciate being lied to, lead-on, or push-pinned..you know what push-pinned is...that thing you do where you pretend you're soooo tormented over the idea that you can't be with me now, so you'll just put a push-pin in me until you're over your whole selfish, self-righteous, wannabe Wilt Chamberlin phase.

Just because I'm not a butterfly, doesn't mean I'm a Mac truck. I have feelings, I care (sometimes), I definitely notice, I like strong men, I like smart men, I love men who honor women, I don't want to be in charge at home, I'm in charge plenty at the office all day (of other men mind you). Stop the b-s and recognize me for the woman I present to you, all day every day.