Not Loved By "Fill in the Blank"

What makes a person un-lovable? I should probably ask myself that question, for it seems I will live my existence having never known what its like to be loved.

I watch the news and read newspapers about murderers, rapists, burglars, people who are supposed to bear the mark of shame in our society. I read about how their 'loved ones' protect their presumed innocence and rally around them so they can feel a sense of support and care.

I look at mothers, parents, and how their love is unconditional, unwavering, strong, pure, even for children who disappoint, disrespect, and prove to be apathetic towards everyone.

I look at people who own pets and how they laud them with affection and treats forging family like bonds with these non-human beings.

And then I look at me......Natasha never wanted me, I was one of those mistakes that happened because her 17 year old self was too selfish use a condom, to swallow a pill, to keep her hormones at bay. From the moment of inception I'm certain I could taste her vitriol as it slithered its way down through the placenta to my heart, trying to warn me about the hatred and loneliness I would face outside the womb.

Once birthed at the ripe age of 18, Natasha was relieved to no longer be physically connected to me the mistake, and it showed. In every neglected opportunity to hug, kiss, or even pat my head in approval I shrank smaller in size, trying to become as invisible as I felt. My cloak of invisibility was apparently so strong, that it also prevented grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc from expressing one "I Love You". Of course, no orphaned child was told of love at the shelters, foster homes, and group homes I resided in, this would have been laughable.

I grew thinking that it was okay, one day (according to movies and tv) a guy would love me, even though we weren't related..imagine that! I was pretty stoked on the idea of having someone actually like me, but to love me was something I could only hope and wait for. Silly girl I was, and still am.

I must have forgotten the birthmark of un-lovable I have burned into me. I have had boyfriend after boyfriend and never one who has fallen under the spell of love...barely capable of saying like. But wait, isn't this supposed to be my time, the time when I can surround myself only with people that love and care for me?

I'm a girl..a woman...all alone..in my late-twenties..still without love. Still don't know what its like to be 'had' to have someone feel incomplete without me. I still don't know what its like to feel protected, wanted, belonging, like I matter.

I have loved, even those like Natasha who I knew didn't return the feeling. The funny thing about love is that its incomplete without the return of it from someone, without the reciprocal.

I imagine I will die feeling un-loved. Lying cold in my casket, presumed to be void of anything, I will still have the stone that lies where my heart was; rough jagged edges, dark like onyx, dry like Saharan sand, and sadly unloved.

Oh btw..I love you