Christian...I Am Not

"But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." -Matthew 18:6

The very doctrine by which 'Christian' members of society subscribe to plainly details ideology about the mistreatment of children who believe in G-d.

Born a child of G-d into a very scrupulously religious 'family', first words read by my eyes were scriptures from the Bible.

First baptismal protected me from danger, evil, sin, and provided a means of grace. In actuality the white baptismal robes provided me with garbs to cover the many scars covering my infant body.

Sunday - Kids Sunday School 9am Sharp followed by General Services lasting until 5pm or later

Monday- Convocation Night

Tuesday- Evangelist Night

Wednesday- Children's Choir Rehearsal

Thursday- Adult Choir Rehearsal

Friday- Youth Night

Saturday- Youth Outing, Bakesale, etc.

My life for 12 years; awaken with prayers for those I loved in spite of their injustices towards me, off to bed with prayers for those I loved, in spite of the throbbing from their inflicted concussions.

"Dear G-d thank you for letting me love another day, and blessing and protecting over me and everyone I love. I ask that you please Lord forgive me for my sins and make me whole again. I ask G-d that you please bless and protect Frances, ToTo, and my friends so that nothing bad happens to them. G-d I ask that you please let my family love me and stop being mean to me, I don't know what to do. Thank you Lord G-d, Amen"

Innocent child studying the ways of 'Christianity' 7 days a week, beaten and belittled 7 days a week. Get a beating, read a scripture, get kicked, read a scripture, get labeled ugly, read a scripture. I never found that scripture that tells you how to respond to your caretaker calling you a "7 year old dyke" and yelling that you would "not live to see 17"..but I'm sure its there somewhere.

Unshaken faith and servitude for 12 years, and 8 additional years of guilty faith and hoping that this thing would work. Loyalty first, in spite of being brought on stage to "get the demons prayed out of me" at age 9. Slap, punch, kick, thump, plunger stick, I still say 'Dear G-d thank you'. Cold, hungry, alone, scared, guns, I still say "Dear G-d thank you'.

Spring 2002 my best friend very religious, church every Sunday. My faith waivers, but from guilt I attend Easter service. Homeless, penniless, midterms, "may I please crash with you for a night" ignore, ignore, ignore, faith be damned. Denounce, deny, deliver myself free.

Church was my family, my family that turned a blind eye.. they promised, yet did not deliver.

Why do the righteous suffer?