Today I saw a man in a wheelchair on tv and I thought of you...
I thought of how you were voiceless, unable to express even the most mundane of emotions, because you were born unto this earth with a handicap. For me the idea of being handicapped is a punishment all on its own, but worse was yet to come for you. You were born unto a single, unemployed mom, who depended solely on the government for all of her needs, and now the needs of her special child too. Costly medications, specialty research, doctor's visits, other children, and simple ignorance rained down as a burden on her, and sadly you too. You suffered in every way possible while on this earth, and the 1 person who owed you their trust let you down. I'm not sure if she ever really loved you, or perhaps her way of showing it was simply by allowing you to live.
I'm sure until 1981 with what little comprehension God gave you, you felt scared and alone...then I came along. Granted I was merely a child, but I think God allowed me to mentally advance ahead of schedule just so we could have each other. You were my best buddy, due to your illness you never mentally progressed past the age of 7, but that was perfect for tiny me. I loved playing with you, reading to you, playing with race cars, and patty cake. Your vocabulary was less than 100 words, but I was part of the lucky 100...you called me "Sheen" because you couldn't pronounce multi-syllabic words. Our song was "row, row, row your boat", and it made you smile.
It wasn't all fun though..I hated to see you have grand-mal seizures and wirth around on the floor with no control. I hated seeing you take all of your medications daily around the clock. Mostly, I hated seeing her hurt you with belts, switches, etc..and you not being able to defend yourself. I made it my personal mission to protect you, even if it meant I would take the beating instead.
I was proud to push you around in your wheelchair when we were in public, never a single classmate ever said anything about your condition to my face, for I had already threatened them with malice. I felt guilt about leaving you when I did, but I had to save myself. Things were getting worse for me and I feared for my life, but I never for a second thought she would purposely do anything to bring about your demise.
I remember the last time I saw you...I begged my friend to drive with me to the tiny apartment we grew up in, for protection..I figured she wouldn't try to hurt me in front of others. Her health was at its very end, dementia, obesity, about a dozen other major health issues, and ironically a handicap due to her diabetes were all front and center. I saw you there at the kitchen table all alone tiny race cars spread about the table. Your hair hadn't been cut in months, your finger and toe nails were caked with dirt, jagged and inches long. The worst parts though were your always small frame practically emaciated, and your missing front tooth.
I came to you at the table ,smiled and hugged you, and you looked at me in confusion for a bit, but then you smiled and said "Sheen". That was great for me, I hope for you too....
When she died I felt nothing. I only thought of you, what next? Your sister (my aunt) came to claim you for her own. She made a promise to her now dead mother and the government to take care of your well-being. I had no real choice in the matter, as I was still barely legal age. I believed your sister would only want for you what I wanted; love, protection, safety. I was wrong...
You died a horrible death, one I could not wish for my own enemies. Drowning, alone in a bathtub, without a voice, a advocate, a hand to hold, or one last "I Love You". Your life ended before you could even have a period of unbridled joy. You suffered for your entire duration on this earth, and for that I am sorry. I'm sorry I left you, I'm sorry you couldn't express feelings, I'm sorry I wasn't born earlier, or in a better position to take you for myself when she died. I'm sorry you suffered such a horrible existence and died an equally horrid death.
When you died I pestered the police daily to investigate further into it, I could not let it go so easily. In the end they said it was an "accident". Such a casual word for a life like yours now gone. I want you to know, that even though I was suffering too, I loved you. I loved you very much and thought I was doing all I could at the time.
I think of you often, but try not to because it brings so much pain to my core. So, I wanted to write you this note, hoping that wherever you are now, be it heaven or a reincarnation, your life is that of the most beloved King in the world. You are of superior intelligence and physical ability, and are surrounded by love and adoration. And I hope, that wherever you are you know that I loved you, still do, and always will.
In my heart lies a tracing of where the happiness we shared used to live. I will never forget you Uncle, please be at peace.
All of my heart,
Sheen
Rest In Peace
Chinito Deadmon "Toto"
