My failure is me dying

As a child I knew I was poor. I knew I lived in the same sort of building as the family on "Good Times", I knew the roaches were not part of a normal existence, I knew the little plastic baggies and syringes were not to be touched; basically I knew my life was nothing like those I saw on tv. However, I never thought I was impoverished, on the brink of homelessness and the possibility of undernourishment. I ate food, I wore clean clothes, I had a place to sleep at night.

Recently I did a day of servitude at a food pantry in East Harlem, where instead of serving prepared meals to the homeless, I prepared packages of discarded and sometimes expired food for those people who weren't homeless, but poor enough to take a hand-out of such caliber. That's when it struck me, that I was these people. I recall standing outside a building on the corner of Lake and Washington in Pasadena, waiting in line to receive the handouts du jour, whereas now I'm all about the soup du jour.

The creed I live by is 'I'm not going back". While seemingly materialistic in its roots since its creation derived from the nightmares of waking up once again in those projects, on that food line, at the food stamps office, its also steeped in my emotional history. I'm not going back to being mistreated, cheated, lied to, or neglected. I used to think I didn't have goals, but I realized they weren't goals as much as they were survival tactics. I've never had the option of not meeting my goals, for in my life failure is akin to dying.

I can't die, I have yet to fix all the wrongs of my childhood. I have yet to fill my room with things that make me smile, fill my stomach with things that delight my palate, have my heart filled by a love requited.

So the next time you ask yourself why Phoenix is so intense, ask yourself how you would be if you felt failure was your death.

St.Maarten/St.Barths -Carribean Dreams

So much happened on my first excursion to the Caribbean, that its a rather lengthy story...instead I'll just list it all as it comes out.

I'll start by saying all I really wanted was: sun, sand, pina coladas, and a hammock.

Instead I got...

* A US Airways ticket counter employee snatching passes out of my hand, me slapping him, him canceling my seat, his district manager witnessing it, apologizing for it, and then escorting me to the door of the plane

* A hypoglycemic occurrence because of the stress from the incident and lack of food

* A packed plane sitting on the runway for 1 hour

* A flight with no tv, radio, movies, or snacks

* Arriving late to my connecting flight and running through the airport with my Diana Ross fro flowing like the wind to my gate

* Meeting a place called "Bojangles" where I fell in love with a chicken biscuit

* Customs kick me out of line because I don't have the address to where I'll be staying on the island

* Meeting 2 cool peoples

* Finally sun, sand, beach

* Best meal I've ever had at handsome Italian man's bar

* Dance off, pants off!!!

* Frenchman #1

* Canadian Twins

* Strip Club after-hours

* Pina Colada!!!! (times 40)

* More rum than I've ever had in my life

* Explaining to locals I am not 1 of them in English

* Staring at locals blankly as they continue to speak to me in French or Creole

* Ditching a angry, misogynistic, old cab driver

* Risking my life in the jungle above the trees for 2 hours on 13 zip-lines

* Risking my life at the zoo that was more of a safari, with lots of the animals free to roam, and angry monkeys that threw rocks at us

* My 1st ferry ride

* Beautiful St. Barths!!!

* Nude sun-bathing after my $50 salad and Pina Colada

* Finding foreign candies including the Haribo Smurfs

* Boys, boys, boys

* Gay local guy and his French clique I had dance-offs with

* Frenchman #2

* Dutch guy...wandering hands

* All you can eat ribs!

* Nighttime beach drinks and lounging

* Conch!

* Cab drivers similar to the ones in NY

* Locals who will offer you rides for free while you're walking down the street

* Sun Rash 2010

All in all a fabulous time was had, and I am eternally grateful for the experience <3