My Seemingly Immortal Grief

I miss you, although truth be told I never had you to begin with....
Days, weeks, and months can go by without nary a thought of your missing presence in my life, then someone will tell me a story of their mother...the advice, the phone call, the offer of love...and my pain rears its ugly head again.

For some reason I was too much for you to love; you couldn't be there for my first words, steps, or first accident. You insisted that I refer to you by your given name "Tasha" for hearing my tiny child-like voice refer to you as Mommy was too burdensome...

So "Tasha" I grew without you there; a tree grew alone in Chicago, California, Atlanta, and it continues to grow in New York. There were times I wanted you there..Tasha or Mommy..I'm not sure. Did you know I graduated 8th grade when I was 12?...no one was there to congratulate me...Did you see me graduate high school when I was 16?..oh wait, not a single person attended on my behalf...it was embarrassing but I still walked...Where you at the hospital that night my head went through the windowshield?..,no, in fact no one was there...

Thanks for all of your advice on life, men, love, all the important things women share with their birthed doppelgangers. Your advisement came through all of your actions, or lack thereof. I made it through school, I'm not knocked up, I work for my living, on the other hand I am single, I can't remember the last time I told someone I love them, and I still haven't figured out where I'm supposed to live in this world; so I guess not all advice is good advice.

I want to believe that maybe one day I will stop caring, I will stop picking at this wound that can't seem to heal on its own. My logic leads me to want to hate you, but unfortunately its not allowed by God. So instead my heartache continues on, time hasn't really healed anything. In fact the older I get, the more I remember of you Tasha...I remember your expressions of love through your bitter punches, slaps, kicks, chokes, and my favorite the full-body pummeling sessions. I still have tokens of your affections on my scalp, legs, and back, emblazoned not only in my soul, but also its shell.

I hope my grief for you will not make me so miserable that I am incapable of trusting. I wish to be no part of "Tasha", I even gave away the name you hastily bestowed upon me that cold winter night some 20 something years ago.

I am now Phoenix. I am a fiery, colorful, creature, that many gaze upon in wonderment. Every now and again I build a nest around myself that I ignite and I burn into dark ashes. But each time I rise from these very ashes anew, reborn to live again. I have a wanderlust for the world and this new life, and I won't let you take that from me.