Dating on Speed..Better known as Speed Dating

Just a few observations from my recent trip into the land of the seemingly desperate (or adventurous depending on how you look at it) super blind dating..on crack.

1) Don't knock it until you've tried it. Yes, I am in the latter group of adventurers, and will try almost anything at least once. However, now that I've tried it please believe me I am knocking..and knocking loud!!!

2) Don't go in with low expectations or high expectations, go in with the mentality of a person who is embarking on a evening at the comedy club. This way you will be plenty prepared for the laughs that will ensue.

3) For the man from Russia who looks like a walking advertisement for "self-bronzer..now available in flaming orange!", yes I am American, and yes I do have a background and a culture. Where the hell do you live where Americans, (particularly Black Americans) have no culture or background? When I tell you I am Black, American, Creole, at least feign intelligence. Don't reply "Oh, from Africa?". Just 2 minutes ago I was culture-less. I did not appreciate having to school your old, dumb ass on a little timeline of World History, that included Spain, France, Haiti, and the U.S., which led up to the Louisiana Purchase. Next time excuse yourself and go the men's room and google it on your phone!

4) For the man who sat with his body leaned sooooo close into mine, you would have thought there were magnets attracting in our foreheads, back up!
Have you never heard of personal space? We are at a table for 2, in a private room. I do not need the heat from your breath moistening the blush on my cheeks.
Also, don't you dare ask me about why I am still single! What kind of "Idiot's Guide to Getting Ignored" have you been studying? The reason I am still single is because of men like you. There is no amount of desperation in my soul that will allow for me to settle with someone like you...no amount!

5) The guy from Brazil with the thing on his face, don't worry about "What I Do". I do a lot of things like eat candy in vintage lingerie, dance on top of my bed like a child, and organize my medicine cabinet by most desirable products of the moment. Those things will give you more insight into my personality, than knowing that I'm a Web Analyst. Hell, most people don't even know what that is!

6) The man from Long Island, Living in Long Island, Working in Long Island. Seriously? You are already in your late 40's, what's wrong? Are you afraid of flying? Are you afraid of meeting someone with a different accent other than a New Yawk one? Better yet, why are you teaching high school swim at a high school in Long Island.
Ok, maybe there's nothing wrong with this, but I've got a lot of life to live, and its not going to be in Long Island! I like adventure and travel, a trip to Ruby Tuesdays does not count.

7) The guy who asks me what I like in men...I tell you, then you ask me if I like to make out passionately? What the hell, are you 10 years old dying to know what a kiss feels like?
Who asks these sort of things? By the way, if we are not actually making out passionately already, then the answer to your question is " no I do not, not with you".

8) Last but not least the guy from Bulgaria. Sweet enough, but clueless beyond belief. I overheard him ask the event organizer if he could also trade emails with some of the guys he met.
Sweetie, this is not an audition for Bromance, if you want some guy friends grab a beer at a local bar, and shoot the breeze about sports with the rest of them. Don't go to an event to meet women, and inquire about the men.

All in all, I did have a comical time. Drinks were really strong, and only $4, and I got to walk off my experience through the streets of Soho, LES, and West Village
while contemplating my next drink. Good Times!

Bark..Whimper. Meow...Attack?

Today I was at the gym, when the ever so common subject of comparing men to dogs and women to cats came to mind. Before I get into it, let me start by stating my positions on both the canine and feline species as they are. And yes...some man's behavior at the gym is what started this whole thing.

I LOVE dogs! Big, little, fat, skinny, hairy, bald, slobbery, saggy, I love all dogs. Despite their shedding, neediness, inability to be self sufficient, and all other things, my love still prevails. (Sort of like my love for men, but we'll address that later)

On the other hand, I hate cats...very much so. They are sneaky, moody, fickle, and unreliable. I hate when they are in the same room, in bed with me, staring at me from afar, I mean I just don't like them. (Not exactly like my feelings toward women, but I've definitely met my share of feline-like twats in my day)

In relation to actual men and women, I do think there are some striking similarities that can be drawn, just by shrewd observation. For example, men tend to be the less self-sufficient of the sexes. I mean really, is it that hard for you to know how to do your own laundry, and properly Swiffer a floor? Or, wait let me guess because you are sooooo focused on being the best lawyer, doctor, engineer, etc. etc. you can be, you can't possibly multi-task and actually urinate into the huge hole of water, or for that matter shake when you are done.

I will liken my previous example to the teachings of puppies. Much like men, puppies can only focus on 1 thing at a time. First you have to get them potty trained, but don't try to teach them tricks at the same time! You'll end up with a dog who can roll over while he pees, but who's incapable of doing either separately.

Dogs have a reputation for being the fierce protectors of the 2 species. Loyal, kind, aggressive when necessary. Man's best friend...I wonder why? I happen to think contrary to this ideal. You see, dogs may appear to be tough at first ;what with the gristly exterior, the sharp canines, the rough growl, but have you ever called a dog on his bluff? Most dogs bark, but if you call them on it, buck at them, or even try to kill them with kindness, they are putty in your hands. My thought is dogs bark, but then they whimper.

Let's move on to cats, kitty, kitty, cats. Cats are very independent animals, to the point that its easy to deem them as "users", using people for affection only when they feel like it, but turning away when someone needs it from them. Cats are content to curl up under you, and purr in your ear, just so they can get that behind the head massage, then go back under the bed. Let you come after a hard day's work and really need a big meow from your pal, she's nowhere to be found, too busy licking itself, or just doesn't give a damn to move. This makes them completely unreliable, and not very good friends.

Cats do keep it real though. They are the true bitches. A cat will warn you with a meow or if you're lucky a hiss. But rest assured a good scratch attack is sure to follow soon thereafter. There is no bluff about it, cats meow then attack! But hey, at least you had a good idea that it was coming...

Perhaps there are some that think my observations are callous, one-sided, or biased. I never wrote these things to be fact, as there is a margin of error for every set of research data. I can only go off what I have actually observed and experienced. Maybe if we humans used less common animals as house pets such as goats and monkeys, then this entire study would be completely debunked? Who's to say that both a goat and a monkey would fit into either role? Would a goat be docile, and a monkey not simply go ape-shit? I'm not sure, but for now I'm content to continue to let my untrained, slobbery, mutt get closer than that hussy cat down the street.

Seek and Ye Shall Find?

Its vague really, this quest for happiness I seek.
Since deciding to not give up on this lifelong goal, I've come across many an obstacle.

Obstacles that take on the shapes of men, women, corporations, sometimes the very people put on this earth to love and protect me.

Since happiness did not reveal itself to me in my childhood, nor my teens, my 20's left me hopeful yet desperately thirsty for that which evaded my heart.

Having received small droplets of this every now and then, my quest continues.

That which hath not killed me, has made me stronger...but is there such a thing as too strong?