Holiday Happiness

For me every year the Holiday's officially kick off with Halloween, followed by my birthday, Thanksgiving, so on and so forth. The only 2 I derive any real pleasure from are Halloween and the Birthday. Those are the only days I'm not forced to think about my lack of a family. Granted I'm now 27, and have spent enough holidays alone to have garnered a thick skin about it. The only problem is there is no skin thick enough to block out those memories.

Let me just note that I'm not trying to strum up any holiday invites, sympathy, or anything else that would make me feel just a little more pathetic than I already do. I write as a means of releasing some of these toxins known as feelings, emotions. Today's feelings happen to be melancholy. So as some of you think to yourself with exasperation about the time you have to spend with your annoying family this holiday, remember at least you have one.

The same one that attended your high school and college graduations. The same one that calls on your birthday. The same one that asks you about who you're dating because they are concerned. The same one who encourages you to do what's best (even if its what's best in only their mind). The same one who cradled you as an infant. The same one who made you soup when you were sick. The same one you were born with, and will die with.

5/3/07

Its been forever since I last used this thing so I decided to check in today. Recently I decided to try to contact my ex-lover/ex-friend to make amends for our bruised relationship, and for just moving thousands of miles away without notice or saying goodbye. I'm very nervous about his response, or if he'll respond at all. I'm totally over him and have been for years now (thanks in part to me moving away), but I do remember that he was one of the best friends I ever had. I just want to know if we could be cool again.... So in true self fashion I wrote him a letter, which turned into an email (imagine if Elizabeth Barrett Browning had email!) hoping he would respond to me. Its only been a day, but you know how inquisitive and probing women can be. I know one prime rule in regards to men is to "let them process" especially when it comes to emotional occassions. I have no choice but to let him process, but I'm so nervous.

8/29/06

So today I decided to come out of the cubby hole that is known as my bedroom, and extend myself below 72nd street to handle a couple of pieces of business. I was in a curious mood and decided to visit a library that wasn't in my neighborhood. After getting lost in the library next door to MOMA I decided to walk the 20 or so blocks down to my next destination, opting for the lesser traveled 5th avenue as my guided path. As I pass "Little Brazil Way" in my rainy day get-up of trench coat, high-top Chucks, and hoodie over Ipod, I am summoned by a rotund man in a yarmulke. Being quite proud of my 1 year's worth of NYC knowledge, I decide to be a good samaritan and break the gentleman off with some directions.

As I pause Ne-Yo, the man asks me if I need a job to which I reply, "No thank you, I have a job". The man then asks me if I have any friends who are looking for a job, and if I will follow him to his store to view his merchandise. I again tell him "no", but agree to go to his store (I said I was in a curios mood). We turn the corner towards 6th Avenue and end up in the ever so redundant Jewish Jewelry district. I follow him into a brightly lit store, where millions of dollars worth of jewelry sparkle underneath the fluorescent lights. After showing me to his booth, he then says he would like to talk to me and leads me across the street to a small cafe. Once inside the cafe he begins to tell me a story about a friend of his who is a black doctor, and advised him that no good would come to him unless he had "a good time" with a black woman. He then continues to tell me that I am beautiful and "clean", and that he has "never spoken to a black woman before in his life". He wants me to be his "friend" and he will pay me hundreds of dollars to work at his store too. Of course he took the time to inform me that he never picks up women off the street, especially black women, because he is a Jewish man and shouldn't be seen out like that. However, an exception was made for me because I looked "clean", beautiful, and he had seen me around before. He begs me "please" to be with him, while I just press the repeat button on my brain and tell him "I'm happy at my job and in general".

After the spell of disbelief rubs off me, I snatch my hands away from him and tell him "sorry", while placing my hood back on and exiting right. I still don't know what to say about this experience, so instead I write...

8/16/06

People want to know why....

I consider myself to be an open book. It's not that I walk around offering up details about my current life or past, but if someone asks me I definitely don't see a reason to hold back. I would have to say that I personally have tenements of life I made for myself to abide by, and the first one is to always be truthful with myself foremost, as well as others. Society has always had a love/hate relationship with the truth. While most people claim to want the truth, they simply can't stomach it. There are a couple of figures in the media I feel are for the most part very honest about their lives: Augusten Burroughs (his books are empowering), Drew Barrymore (her drug use and family drama are things people usually hide), and Christina Aguilera (track titled "Still Dirrty" on her new LP).

Usually when I open up about things of my past, people tend to look aghast and wonder aloud why/who/when/how? I always say that your past only determines a small amount of your future. In my case, life doesn't seem to be getting much better so my past dictates my attitudes toward my current standing in the universe. Perfect example would be the reason behind why i'm so strong, independent, and on this "I don't need humans" kick.

I hate asking people for anything, needing people, or even wanting the opinions of others. I have never in all my life been able to rely on a single sole on this planet. People have always been a constant disappointment to me, leaving me to always fend for myself. I have been my best supporter, best adviser, best friend, an overall rock to myself. Just recently I completed a new photo shoot of over 300 shots, and I was overwhelmed by all the different looks. Normally in the business, your agent or someone with a professional photographic eye goes over your proofs and tells you which ones look best to get printed up for your headshots. Since my agent here has been giving me the runaround, I decided to let down my stance, and ask some of my friends & contacts for their help. This whole process started 3 weeks ago, to this day I have only 1 reply from this agent I sent my stuff to (who says they don't have the time to look at them), and that's it! No one else had even bothered to reply to my numerous e-mails for help. This is not some frivolous request for compliments, this is my fucking career we're talking about. This thing i've sacrificed so much to attain, and all those people who claim they like and/or love me can't seem to find it in their hearts to assist me with this one thing.
So people want to know why i'm so hardened, why i'm so strong, why i'm so on my own, it's because people made me this way. So as I sit here pouring over the hundreds of pictures of myself, it builds up anger, resentment, and strength inside of me. To be a even stronger woman than I already am (which I didn't believe to be possible). It is what it is....

There's a saying that goes "I don't need sex, life fucks me whenever it can".

8/14/06

Soooo lately i've been incredibly MIA from my online journal community and answering my telephone. Regarding the telephone all I can really say is i've never been much of a phone chatter person. I enjoy a rousing conversation just like the next lass, only I prefer it to be in person, via text message, or e-mail. As for the online journal thing, I sometimes feel like my inner thoughts would no doubt clog the server, as they are numerous and ever-rambling in their nature. I've been in New York for one year now, so to all the naysayers I wish you were here to see my stick out my tongue and say nanananana!!!

The question is do I want to be here? I will sacrifice life and limb (figuratively) in the pursuit of my desired career, which in actuality is the pursuit of happiness. Moving to New York was purely a move of necessity of that nature. Not to say I don't enjoy the constant partying, (I am only now on a self-induced chill period until the city fills back in from the summer vacaters), the public transportation, the variety of people (i've recently dated a South Afrikkan and a boy from Spain), and lots of other things the island has to offer. However, I know I will not live here late into adulthood. I can not imagine having to live in this filth for the rest of my life. No one in this city is the least bit environmentally conscience, I swear! But I won't delve any deeper into that subject, as I will be on this keyboard of mine all night.

I've been doing this "dating" thing here too, and let me tell you its nothing like Carrie saw it to be. Men suck through and through. I even ventured to date someone who is 30, and he still couldn't pretend to have his shit together (often times sleeping in hungover and missing class). Boys who work for Fortune 500 companies, come from solid families, earn lots of money, got great grades in school, none of these things mattered. Truth of it is MOST MEN STILL HAVEN'T STOPPED SUCKING ON THE TEET, OR WANT A WOMAN WHO WILL PROVIDE A NEW TEET FOR THEM TO PLACE THERE MOUTH ON!!!
That's just my opinion...and if you ask me these type of men aren't worth the long-distance relationship effort (if you don't live in Manhattan, its long distance), you have to invest in the union.

So that's what's going on with me right now, nothing much. I'm on my way out to hear a up-and-coming singer in the village, while downing over-priced drinks (which will hopefully be bought by some hapless dud). Toodles!

6/15/06

So today after sleeping off a nice amount of flavored martini's from the previous night, I had the recurring dream of shopping at my favorite department store Nordstrom. This dream of mine has remained unfilled since moving here to NYC last August, mainly because of what I can only deem a hostile takeover by the "world's largest Macy's" and the 3 B's (Bergdorf, Barney's, and Bloomie's), not to mention Sak's, Lord & Taylor, and every other store in the free world all on this 13 mile piece of land!!! With that said, I decided today was the day for me to leave the island, and go the distance for my love. A search for stores in New York only returned 3 locations, all somewhere on the way to Long Island, or another place equally foreign to me. I tried neighboring states, and found that New Jersey had a few locations that might interest me, and be somewhat local on public transportation. After conducting exhaustive research on my journey, I decided to head off to the Short Hills mall (Paramus was closed; to which I say what mall is closed on Sunday?) Filled with excitement I headed downtown to Port Authority, for what I thought would be a blissful day of re-acquainting myself with a lost love.
Upon my arrival to Port Authority armed with a Metro Card and internet directions to the mall, I was surprised to find out I still needed more info to get to my bus. I began my search for a information desk only to find each one equipped with a sign that read " please visit our other location". Thoroughly frustrated after going through this rat race, I visited the police department in search of assistance. I was lucky to find a man who walked me to the ticket booths, and then walked me to the terminal. When I got to the terminal being as inquisitive as I am, I asked the bus man a few questions about the route. I was advised that 1) the buses ran every hour, 2) there was no such thing as a transfer, and a second fare would be paid, and 3) there was a Nordstrom in Wayne, NJ. My mind began thinking about other routes into NJ, so I went to visit the info booth. At the booth I found a woman who I figured hated her job, and probably used to work at the DMV, solely based on her attitude. Diva cut me off when I spoke,used a condescending tone, and sent me off with the same amount of info I approached her with. Thouroughly dismissed, I retreated to my bus gate and waited the dreaded 60 minutes until the bus arrived. On the bus ride over my confidence resurged, and I told myself I was an excellent researcher with no need for doubts.
When we arrived at my first stop I exited the bus in the small town of Springfield, NJ. I made my way over to my next bus stop cozily situated in front of a few mom & pop businesses. Eventually my patience got the best of me, and I began to ask the locals questions. I asked a nice restaurant owner if the mall was in walking distance, and he says I can certainly walk.
* Please note in an effort to save the vision of many people who will read this, I will truncate my story from this point on... if you want the un-edited version please look for my novel many years from now)
So basically I end up walking miles and miles by myself in the heat, on the sidewalk, then on the highway (there was no shoulder, just me, pavement, woodiness, and several really fast cars) until I meet a man who is doing some gardening. I ask the man how to get to the mall, to which he replies its about 4 more miles straight ahead. I continue my walk of death/desperation, when I notice a SUV slowing down behind me. I immediately think I am about to be kidnapped all in the name of fashion, when the man who had just given me directions (who by the way was crazy rich, and insanely gay) offered me a ride. Please believe I took several moments trying to rationalize my getting into a stranger's vehicle, but at that point I felt I had been through enough, and there was nothing that could stop me from reaching Mt. Nordstrom! Needless to say, I made it safely to the mall, we exchanged info, and he warned me about the dangers of walking on the highway by myself. I told him the next time he was in the city to give me a call, and i'd give hime the best table in the house.
Let me just sum up the ride back home to NY: 1 NJ bus, 1 NJ Transit train, 1 NJ Path Train, 1 NYC Subway, and 1 NYC Bus!!!!! WTF, if I don't deserve some sort of fashionista award, who does?

5/4/06

Sex is not me, and I am not Sex!

I know that we human beings are sexual creatures, as most animals that God created under the sun are. We are the most intelligent species and can choose between right and wrong, good and bad, and physical versus emotional feelings. I am a 24 year old woman, I'm beautiful, intelligent, doting, honest, and love to have a good time. It is by nature that I would possess hormones that make for strong sexual desires, therefore driving me to want to mate. However, it is also by nature that I use the brain which I was given to decide what's best for me now, and in the long run. I am not sexually active right now, and have not been for the past 2 years. Yes, you read correctly 2 years! Contrary to that dirty little thought that just crossed your mind, no I am not climbing the walls with "randiness", or picturing every man that I see naked. I actually am quite content with being celibate/abstinent. Why I choose to be celibate/abstinent is because I simply need more than sex. It is to my belief that my need for general companionship (i.e. laughter, movies, dinner, video games, walks, talks, etc..) plus physical intimacy, is one that is much greater than to simply settle for sex alone. I'm not saying that I need or even want a boyfriend, I just want to know that after we roll away from each other I have the option of calling you to hang out, and not just to bend me up for a few minutes.
This is not my first foray into "celibacy", I have been without 1.5 years here, 7 months there, 1 month here, until I met a guy who I could at least have varying degrees of verbal enjoyment with. I have no problems getting a man to sleep with me; come on does any woman really? I'm just a very headstrong, tenacious, go-getter who doesn't believe in settling for less, especially when I know that more does exist. Sure there are those that rib me for my lack of "getting any", or say that "i'm fronting" about my lack of desire. To them I say ha! Simply not true. Most of those people are the same ones who are miserable and alone, even though they have a fuck-buddy or two. Unfortunately, the only tv example of a woman like myself that I can give is Charlotte from SATC. There was an episode about her lack of interest in sex, one about her holding out for something more, one about her willing to try the "sex-only" thing and not being happy, all examples of me. Ask anyone who knows me and they'll tell you I do exactly what I want or don't want to do in life. I don't try to step on toes, but I go for happiness. And right now, happiness for me in my intimate life is being without a simple sex partner.

3/2/06

I Miss Reading...

So I've been in New York now for 7months!!! I can't believe how the time has flew by. I must say that I've been extremely busy, but utilizing my time to the best of my ability. I've been so busy in fact, that I haven't had the time to indulge in one of my favorite activities: reading. I miss sitting down with a good book, a glass of wine, and beginning and ending an adventure all in 2 days. So, I've proposed to scale back on going into the office so much, and re-stimulate my mind. First stop, Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin.

1/25/06

I've always loved music, more than water and air at times. I've always LOVED the piano and longed to play it, even still today. Growing up in a very repressed "home" I wasn't allowed to partake in the things that bought happiness to my soul. To make a very long story very short, I sometimes wish that I could be granted a whole new life from the moment of conception. There are so many things that I find no familiarity with that my peers speak of fondly from our childhoods. Although I'm all about not living in the past, I sometimes can't help but wonder what life may have been if...... I was welcomed into this world with warmth and love, I was able to snuggle up to my father for security, I was given positive reinforcements for a job well done; and chided with love when I misbehaved. If someone had held my hand when things were hard, taught me to ride a bike, skate, or embraced my love for school. If my mother had actually been receptive to the life which she bore into this world, would my life be any different?
At my old age, I only think of these things when reminded by a outside influence such as tv, friend's relationships with their families, or in this case music. Thanks to modern technology, I finally found out the name and author of one of my favorite songs of all time. I don't know why I love it so much because it pierces my soul to hear it... When I hear this song it makes me think this will always be the song of my life, the one that's played at my funeral. The crazy thing is, the context in which it was written doesn't even apply to me. In the song the man speaks of his love for a woman that he's done wrong. Its a humble apology/explanation of his actions towards her. When I hear it, its only a reminder of the emptiness that created me. Its a sullen reminder of the broken heart I was born with. I still love it though; so thank you Donny Hathaway for "A Song For You".

1/20/06

So today I decided to get up early (despite having consumed many spirited beverages last night), and do the most dreaded outside chore of all: grocery shopping. The only reason I conceded to defeat and actually made the trek to the local Pathmark, came from my steady in-house diet of Lucky Charms and Saltines. Earlier during the week as I was eating my 2nd bowl of cold cereal, the thought occurred to me that it just might be alright to dine-in every now and then. With that said, I chose to visit a supermarket I had never shopped at, merely a few blocks from my home.

Being that I'm still a newbie here in New York, I'm continuously making an effort to get better acquainted with my neighborhood. I haven't lived in a all Black community since I attended an all black university, in an almost all black city. Its always at the very least touching, to see the kaleidoscope of smooth browns, textured curls, and the allegiant elders, all make their way across the boulevards of Harlem.

Today was a little unlike any other though... I hopped on the 8th Avenue bus in an effort to save myself some meaningless exercise, and my life unknown flashed before my eyes. Somewhere along my route two extremely elderly women boarded the bus, and it was looking into a mirror of forth comings. The two were African-American, and at least in their 70's, if not older. One of the women was a little more spry than her friend, but they made their way to the designated front of the bus seats. One of the women had a rip on the top of her shoe, (for imagination's sake we'll call her Sue) and it appeared she suffered from a moderate case of osteoporosis (or lack of good posture in her prime years). After looking at Sue and her friend in the most inconspicuous way possible, I felt an unusual desire to cry. I think it was because I saw Sue as this poor, older woman, who needed someone(of course, NO I was not on the bus sobbing). Needless to say, I was more than overjoyed to get off the bus and end my self-imposed misery, so much so I exited the bus 1 stop early.

Inside the grocers I was quickly able to shake my most recent memory, after 1 look at the newest circular (talk about sensory overload!). I made way down aisle after aisle hoping that something would just jump into my cart, making the process a little bit easier for me, but to no avail. As I made my way to my favorite area (the meat section of course), my damn future jumped up and bit me in the ass again!!! Who do you think was waiting for me at the skirt steak section, Sue and her friend. Except this picture that was before me, was even sadder than the first. Sue's spry friend, was helping her do all of her shopping. It was the most touching thing ever to watch Sue's friend bend over and reach for things her less agile comrade couldn't. Through it all though, Sue still kept up conversation and smiled when the mood struck. I made every effort possible to avoid them the rest of my shopping trip, but couldn't. Even at the ice cream freezers, Sue and her friend were reaching for goodies as I reached for mine.

Now I know you're wondering what's the point to this whole post of mine? I'm afraid of becoming Sue one day. I can't imagine actually having to lean on someone for my basic survival in life. I have a hard time letting suitors buy me things, much less actually take care of me. This is most frightening however, because the jury's still out on whether or not I want to get married some day. It was like a real-life visit from the ghost of my unforeseen future. Of course now because of my spooky day, I must immerse myself in all things considered "youthful". Debauchery anyone?

1/3/06

My recent delving into an antihistamine treatment is wearing me out. The constant drowsiness is followed by a day full of absent-minded, bumbling, mumbo-jumbo, with me trying to remember how to put a subject and predicate together. The sudden onset of hives was the reason for the doctor's advice to take the devil's little pills. New Year's Eve exploration of Scotch wasn't so wise either. Now i'm sitting here at work watching Lifetime, wishing I could flop down in my ultra-comfortable hamster cage.

12/16/05

So last night was like a magical night from a defunct Disney movie, only without the artificial joy and obvious family innuendo. It all started with the buzz around NYC about the possibility of a transit strike, and a "deep-freeze" all by the deadline of midnight Thursday/Friday. So everyone at my job was on edge from the fear of being stranded at home, with no way to go in and earn any income. I was on edge because I have no idea what a "big-freeze" is, but I knew I was not prepared for one. So with all this going on, you think I should have known better than to go out, and took my ass home after work. Instead I decided to go out with a friend to a few places near my job or what not.....
The first place we go to is basic borderline lame. I am 1 of 3 black people in the whole place (which of course doesn't make it lame) , it just seems odd because this is New York. The music is ok, but one of the security guys keeps giving us free drinks so I'm ok with staying a bit. I'd say within 15 minutes of settling in the hunt (apparently for me) was on. The most obscure guys who seemed like we would never speak to each other were standing around staring at me, slowly making their way over to ask me to dance, and to make small talk. Literally one guy after another of the same "genre". I politely excused myself time after time to go to the bar to get away, I guess this wasn't the smartest choice for what lie ahead at the bar was far more dangerous than giving out a little convo. At the bar a man who stood about 6'4" 250-275 lbs. proceeds to begin yelling down at me, bulging his eyes and shaking his head, in a drunken stupor. As I try to walk away from him he grabs my arm with such a force that i'm stopped in my tracks, and have to turn around to look at him. I shot him a "Medea-Worthy" look, shoved him in the chest, and jerked myself out of his hands to walk away. I've never been grabbed like this before, so we leave this dreadful place. (I must point out that there was a strip club connected to this club, and a lot of people would come and go as they pleased between the 2; yet another red sign ignored by me)
On to the second club were things seemed better at first, but I was soon reminded that this was after all "Freaky Thursday". We enter the spot, proceed to coat check, then go to freshen up in the mirror. While entering the bathroom a girl smiles, waves, and (brace yourself) grabs my goodies; and no not the mountains, the valley!!!!!!! I was so shocked I didn't know what to do. I grabbed her hand, twisted her wrist, and pushed her away from me. To which she responded with a laugh, and a vulgar flicker of her double-pierced tongue. I can not believe my fucking luck!!!!!! After this I actually stay, only to be harped on by quite a few undesirable candidates. I'm not even going to go into further details, let's just say by the end of the night all I could think about doing was taking a long, hot, shower to wash off whatever scent I put out that night!
So now i'm preparing to do another Friday night out to attempt yesterday's wrong. Wish me luck.....

12/11/05

So I've been soooo busy these past few weeks, I haven't been to the grocery store in over a month. First off, I completed my first 2 fashion shows. I had a show at the famous club Crobar, and I had a show at the famous Joe's Pub. I received a lot of praise, and even made a possible connection for future work in the industry. Meanwhile, the first major snow of the season occurred, and I was blindsided!!! I had a coat and some leggings, but my body was not prepared for cold gusts of wind to come swinging at me from all sides. I of course got sick, but should be better as soon as I break down and buy a bottle of $6 cough syrup (from which if the manufacturer is correct, i'll only use half because of its high potency). I've been working non-stop, sometimes 6 days a week to try to keep up with this expensive city I live in. On the flipside my social life is burgeoning too. I've been out to so many bars and clubs, I can't even remember all the names ( i did see wee little Lindsay Lohan this Thursday at Marquee). I love going out late, and getting home even later. My roommates and I get along gloriously so far, and we even understand each others little intricacies. So to sum things up i'm content in life right now, and working vigorously towards a supreme happiness.
Ciao for Now =)
Oh- R.I.P. Richard Pryor, he was truly one of the funniest people i've ever seen

11/30/05

I must say I fucking love Nip/Tuck!!!!!!! It's an amazing show with great writing, actors, and direction. I'm at home sitting in the edge of my seat, holding my breath, waiting for the next fucked up thing to happen. Did anyone see last night's episode? So many different directions for each character, it was thrilling. I must say the bi-sexual doctor must be giving it to Julia, cause she's quick to give over a share of her business to him!!! Anyways, looks like they're integrating the Carver back into the plot now too, poor Kimber =(
On another note, it's no new news to me that I am somewhat of a Quaker when it comes to intimate relationships (or for you less religious folk, more of a SATC Charlotte). However, I am not judgmental towards those who are getting their freak on in a variety of ways, means, and with various people. My philosophy is to each his own... One of my close friends recently told me that she slept with another guy, while she was in her current relationship. I of course gasped (only because she seems so in love with this guy), and asked for the nitty gritty. My friend then laughed and said she felt like she was talking to her mother when she talked to me about stuff like this. I asked if she thought I was judging her, and she said definitely not, I'm just a real-life Charlotte. She then explained to me the terms of the liaison (angry at boyfriend, boyfriend out of town, 1st time rolling) and all I asked her was if she was safe. I agree I probably wouldn't have done things the way she did, but bottom line is its not me and doesn't involve me.
All of my friends tell me their most dirty secrets, and I have never told any of them what not to do or vice versa (unless of course they ask). So to all my fellow Charlotte girls, you can keep being you without judging others.

11/11/05

So to sum up what could potentially be a really long negative rant about how much my birthday sucked balls this year.......No one at my job (all 3 employees) wished me a happy birthday, I had to take myself to lunch (at a very expensive restaurant might I add), no one wanted to hang out on the actual day because it was a Tuesday, I got no birthday gifts from friends I bought gifts for (even when I didn't have the money), I didn't get to go to the club/bar I wanted to, I had to pay to get into some overcrowded sweat-box where I couldn't even do anything but stand in the same spot all night, and just in case you were wondering the weekend of my b-day sucked too. I didn't get to be drowned in free drinks by my friends because a) I was at the sweat-box and b) no one bought me a drink. So to say the least, I shall never give another birthday gift, dinner, lunch, or even card to anyone who will not reciprocate such care and consideration!!!
On another note- the thing that made me feel most special on my birthday this year was not the call from the "ex", but the gift from my friend Sarah all the way in L.A., who in spite of all her Judaic commitments all through the month of October, still managed to do more than a obligatory phone call, and actually sent me a very nice, thoughtful gift. So Thank You Sarah!!!!!

11/6/05

Let me start off by saying I wish I could believe that race is nothing more than a sociological construct, as so many of our ignorant "scholars" project..... I recently moved to Harlem, the birthplace of the Black uprising in the North-East post-antebellum America, only to be confronted by a few stereotypes that haunt our culture even in 2005. It is my belief that we in "America the Beautiful" live in a caste society; granted not one as restrictive as the Indian & Hindu, but a burgeoning one nevertheless.
In my first 2 months here in New York I mainly stayed in the "good" areas like UWS, Gramercy Park, Flatiron, and places where people lived with similar incomes. I had no problems moving to Harlem seeing as though I was raised in the projects the first 7 years of my life, and don't feel as though any living experience could be worse than that. However, I did not know I would be treated like a prosecuted criminal, although I have no police record to speak of. Every store I went in on the UWS, or one of the other comparable neighborhoods I listed to shop, I was NEVER asked to leave my belongings at the door. There were times I had huge duffel bags and backpacks with me when I went in a store, and not once was I asked to relinquish them in order to continue my shopping experience at that retailer. In Harlem its a completely different story. Every single store I go into (even the supermarkets) I have to surrender my belongings to some un-qualified "security" figure, before I'm allowed to peruse the under-stocked, over-priced, establishment. Every time I enter a store in Harlem, I feel like i'm being reminded of some probation stipulation I'm prone to breaking, or that i'm black, therefore poor, and therefore guaranteed to be a thief.
When I ask the saleslady (a latina) what she thinks of this policy, she comments "it's fine, they do it to everybody". IT IS NOT FINE. The only "everybody" they do it to are people who live in the community...and since its Harlem guess who lives in the community? Black and Brown people alike are subjected to this insulting practice because we are the people who live over here. It is in my experience that if you sit down quietly and accept what's handed to you without even questioning the reasons behind it, people will dish out anything to you; as long as you're willing to accept it. I firmly believe this is one of those instances where if all the black and brown people of my community mobilized together to demand this practice be stopped, we would see results. After all, we are the only customers they have, and without us they would go under very, very, quickly. I know that the reason that this isin't done in those "good" neighborhoods isin't because White people don't steal, its because they won't allow it. I guarantee if they tried to enforce this practice in Gramercy Park, there would be a strong outcry from the community, and they would stop at nothing to end this policy.
I know you're supposed to pick your battles wisely, but it doesn't have to be a battle. Why are we not given the same respect as people of other races, or income levels? Why is it we believe that it happens to "everybody" as the girl stated, and therefore its ok? Why is it today we are so apathetic to what troubles our race, when just as recent as 40 years ago our ancestors were being hosed and clubbed to death to fight those injustices? I wouldn't have a problem with the practice if it were done in every neighborhood; if when I went to Park Avenue South they took my bags at the door to Morton Williams. I know that I seem crazy as a betsy bug when issues like these raise my ire, but i'm just passionate about living in a better world; starting here at home by making my country a better place for African-Americans to live.

10/21/05

Puffed Cheetos, Lemonheads, and Visions of Yellow & Red......

So people who really know me know that I try to be a socially conscious person, and for that reason I do not support a couple of companies through direct patronage: McDonalds, Home Depot, KFC, Wal Mart, and now DHL.
Although my reasons for adding DHL are not socially motivated, my experience with them evoked similar feelings of anger & frustration. First they failed to continuously update their tracking page, as claimed on their website. Second, they failed to deliver on time. Third, they failed to deliver all of my packages on their "second attempt". Fourth, they put my delicate computer packages back on a truck only to drive them around Manhattan, without an actual delivery attempt. And last, but most painful, was the delivery of my computer to me in a box that can only be described as maltreated. My new Dell monitor was broken..... ( I think I cried internally, I was just to thirsty to let actual tears fall). So now i'm without my beloved Dellie Dell until I buy another monitor. Now because my birthday is coming up (11 days), I was offered the monitor as a "replacement gift" from my birthday registry list. I now have to admit this caused the inner "Princess" to come out, as I protested I did not want a monitor to be a gift of mine, instead of my passport fees. Nevertheless, the following day I relented as I did not wish to seem like a unaccommodating brat. So to DHL I said "Off with their heads", and I accepted the very adult a.k.a. lame gift of a pc monitor.
In dealing with copious amounts of stress, I usually like to take the sauvignon route as a way to block out my tendency to over-think. However, because I just moved I have no wine glasses and I refuse to drink a fine red out of a tea cup. So i've taken a liking to stuffing myself with food that lacks any semblance of a nutritious find. Puffed Cheetos, Lemonheads, and Dr. Brown's pop's, are not things I should be starting my day with (bows head in shame). So for this reason I vow to make the most of my remaining weeks at my gym. I promise to stretch, lift, spin and bend as much as one my size can handle. (Just as soon as I finish the rest of these Doritos)

10/12/05

Moving Up Like George and Weezy!

So I finally got my feet planted here in New York, I moved into my own place this weekend. The best part is I stay in the city (Manhattan) my house is spectacularly clean (no more roaches, and I haven't seen mice or rats outside either), and I only pay $400 a month rent (utilities included), and I stay below 145th street!!!! So HA! to all the naysayers who bitch about not being able to find space in NYC for cheap that's clean. I met the super and he seems nice too. He told me to ask him for anything I need help with. You have no idea how much clearer my psyche is now that I know I can shower without the roaches all up in my business, I can cook without the roaches,dirt, and hair all around me. No more 5th floor walk up, as I live on the first floor. I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, and I don't have to wait until the roaches finish their turn. I bought a bed, curtains, sconces, rug, and some egyptian sheets. My pc is being shipped to me this week, so all I need now is a tv, pc desk, cable, and i'll be good to go.
My jobs are going well too. I like my night job, its so independent. I just come in do my thang, and bounce when i'm done. The only thing that makes me think about not going to work is the weather. It is cold and rainy here right now ,it looks like Noah is on his way back or something. But once I get some rubber boots, thermal cup for my green tea, and some gloves i'll be aiighht.
I'm back on this Friendster kick now. My ex-roommate here asked me if I was on one night, and I told him yeah. I went to look at my neglected page, and I felt this strong instinct to make an effort on the damn thing .

9/16/05

My Acension from Los Angeles Into New York

Soooooo, I've been in NYC for exactly 1.5 months today. A whole lot has happened since then, so much it makes me tired to re-hash it in my brain so here's the Undergraduate Cliff-Notes version of things:
I moved to New York via United Airlines with 6 oversized pieces of luggage, experiencing 1 flight delay, on an overnight flight, before which I smoked the second and third cigarettes of my life, on one of the hottest days of the summer. The day I arrived I carried those 6 pieces of my life up a 5-story walk-up, and then ran off to an audition. I found an interim sublet within my first week for $375 in the city (yes, on the island of Manhattan), only to find out the girl wanted 3 months security deposit (which was all the money I had at the time). I found a job my 2nd week here at a "famous cafe" as a waitress on the uws, but to my disappointment (and i'm sure many a customers') the place was infested with roaches; big, small, brown, and black. So of course I was like hell to the naw, and was out. My 3rd week here I found another job as a personal assistant for a rich lady on CPW (a referral of a friend), who offered me a place to stay at her apartment when she moved back to her L.A. pad. From the beginning I could sense that the lady lacked basic organizational skills, but I didn't knock her for it. It turns out 3 weeks later into the job, the lady is off her rocker. She talks in indecipherable circles about the most random shit, she doesn't know how to delegate, she reneges on her suggestion that I move in her place, she tells me I should intern to be a assistant, blah blah blah. My references told me that she was off, but I didn't listen. So like Method Man said "Keep it Moving". In between "Central Park Psycho" and my next job, was a week of temping at a production company for a office assistant. My next and current gig is at another production company where i'll be fulltime until November (I'm only working fulltime temp. so I can buy myself winter clothes, furniture, and the basics I sold/gave away back in L.A.). In the midst of all that I've been to Brooklyn a few times (Bed-Stuy, WBurg, BK Heights), go to the Bronx to get my dominican blow-outs, go to at least 1 club a week, been offered a full-time job at the 1st production company, crashing at a friend's place until my room is available on Nov. 1st, audited an acting class, joined Crunch, and become a huge fan of Cafe Mozart, hot dog vendors, and the "A" express. I still have a long way to go towards my career, but I feel very confident about the prospects that NY present. I do miss the L.A. sun, Fatburger, La Salsa, Jack In The Box, and Trader Joes, but i'll find replacements.

7/27/05

Dust Fervor, Boric Acid, and Heat Rashes On the Menu

I couldn't sleep so I decided to do some more packing and cleaning. My allergies are already in a tizzy because of the "heatwave" that's here, now with all the moving and dusting they're having the time of their lives. I have soooooo much stuff. Its the little stuff I can't figure out where to stash. I already feel like i've sold the past 4 years of my life on craigslist, I don't want to let get of everything.
Honestly what got me started on my latest "OCD" binge is the recent learning of the notorious roach problem in New York. I grew up in the PJ's the first 7 years of my life with those buggers, and vowed never to subject myself to those conditions again. I understand big dirty city, lots of people, apartment living, blah blah blah, but there's got to be something that can keep them at bay. I've decided to arrive with boric acid on hand. I remember my grandmother using it, and it seemed to work rather well. I wasn't able to sleep today after hearing the word roach, and I ended up researching them online for about 2 hours!!!! (Yes i'm just that fucking worried)
That roach thing was the icing on my already burgeoning skin problems. Between the excessive dry heat here, dust, and stress, my skin is baby-sensitive. I have to give myself "powder-baths" at night to make sure my skin is coated preventing further irritation. I will def. have to seek out a dermatologist when I get to NY. I'm still not sleepy, but my headaches have increased over the past few weeks, as has my internet usage; so I think they're linked and I should chill on the computer screen gamma rays :)

7/24/05

7 Days 'Till My New Destiny Begins!!!!

Only 7 days until I move to New York!!!! I am feeling so many things right now; I'm excited, stressed, curious, hopeful, anxious, too many emotions to name. I have been wanting to exit right from here so long, and finally its happening. Don't get me wrong, i'm certainly no "Small-Town Dorothy" with "Big City" dreams that New York will be one big buttered & cream-cheesed bagel filled, Sex and the City re-run. I expect the same run-of-the mill life problems for people my age, pursuing my field, living in my income bracket. I just anticipate having to live around less fictitious "characters". Los Angeles is filled with so many people trying to be things they're naturally not. Everyone here is extremely self-conscious, fake, dishonest, and self-absorbed. If you're not that great a person, I'd really like to be able to see that upfront. Talking about people behind their backs, or pretending to like those you don't simply for the possibility of them being able to do something for you is completely high-school. While in New York I hope to make GIGANTIC strides in getting somewhere in my career, meet nice people I can trust and hopefully keep for life, and just enjoy what's left of my 20's since the beginning of them have been more than forgettable.

7/17/05

Not Enough Sex?

If i'm not willing to sleep with someone just because i'm physically attracted to them, and we've been out a couple of times, does that make me uptight? I've recently come to the conclusion that I am definitely more like Charlotte on SATC than anyone I know. It's not even on purpose, its just an innate response to male attention. I meet a guy and if I like him sure I think about the possibility of us being intimate, but its not a guarantee. Apparently everyone else in the free world is getting their freak on with much less thought than what I put into it. The problem is I do think it pushes men away. Men are walking egos, and it's hard for them to believe that a woman not wanting to be with them when they want it, is not truly "about them". I'm in such a pickle... I've had little high-school relationships, and 1 relationship outside of that (btw it was a completely abnormal, abusive relationship), and i've only actually dated 2 guys (all within the past year), so I guess I lack experience. I'm beginning to think this will be one of those "if you can't beat 'em join 'em" issues but, I will never compromise what I believe in. I'm thinking maybe I can exercise a little bit of flexibility in my stance, just not to the point where i'm feeling guilty or dirty about my sexual choices. I know I may sound like i'm suffering from a sickening dose of too many after-school specials but, there is a lot more to sex than people make of it.

6/26/05

So i've been happier these past couple of weeks, then i've been the entire 4 years i've lived here. Settling on the decision to actually move from this hell hole, buying the ticket, giving my 30-day notice, taking on the extra job to get the money I need in time, its all been very freeing. I was so depressed here i hope I don't go into one of those "i just earned my freedom" wild tangents, and start partying frequently and engaging in extra-curricular sex with various men. I have so much to do in these next few weeks, its daunting. I have so many people to hang out with one last time, so many business transactions to complete, notices to give. I even had to cancel a trip out of town this weekend because I don't have the time to give to vacations right now.
The best part about these past couple of weeks though has been the burgeoning personal relationship between myself and my new acquaintance. I met a guy who is very special, and treats me like a princess. He's ambitious, intelligent, kind-hearted, attentive, cute, and very open and direct. I love hearing his voice, and look forward to seeing him whenever possible. Its amazing the commonalities we share, yet we still have our traits that make us opposites. I know its corny but, i looked up our compatibility on the astrology chart (both american and chinese), and we seem to be a good match :) I only hope this bliss can last these last few weeks I have left here.

6/15/05

So I went to a screening and film discussion the other night in hopes of meeting John Singleton. The movie being shown was "Hustle & Flow", the film which garnered the largest bid ever at Sundance Film Festival this year. First off let me say that the film was fantastic. The writing was good, and the directing was on point. This guy Craig Brewer (writer/director) has a bright future ahead. Taryn Manning seemed to be in her element as a prostitute, and Terrence D. Howard was brilliant as ever. The panel included Stephen Farber, Stephanie Allain (producer Paramount), Taraji P. Henson (Baby Boy), and John himself. I met Taraji and she is so real. She seems just like one of those girls you grew up with if you're from one of those neighborhoods. I did get to meet John, congratulate him on his body of work, and give him my pics and resume, begging him to consider me as his next protege ala Tyrese, Ice Cube, and Taraji herself. All in all, I had a good night out by myself, and I can only hope something good can come of it :)

5/16/05

Communication Breakdown

My Japanese roommate has had her friend visiting with us for about 2 weeks now. This time amount doesn't bother me, but her friend does. She is incredibly dirty. She has no sense of germs or dirt, and its not even her house. i have asked her over and over again to clean up her own messes. do not leave a sink full of dirty dishes toppling over themselves in the sink overnight, do not cook without opening the balcony door (our apt. is small, and odors stay a long time), don't stack garbage on top of itself until it spills over, and then leave it there, don't spill stuff and leave it behind to cake up, etc........ she nods her head says yes yes, and apologizes, but no real actions. its driving me crazy because i would never think of going to someone's house and dirtying it as if it were my own. i told my roommate when she moved in about my anal "monica-like" cleanliness, and she could keep her room and bath how she saw fit (as long as it didn't attract bugs), but the rest of the shared areas must be clean. i feel like she has never had experience cleaning before or something. this shit is driving me crazy.

5/8/05

Hungryman's Disease

So it seems as though I can't stop eating. I went to the doc a couple of weeks ago, and she presumed (yet again) from my symptoms that I was hypoglycemic, and probably pre-diabetic because of the severity of my symptoms. However, its difficult for me to take the blood sugar test because you're not allowed to eat 12 hours before the test. I don't think I can make it 12 hours without eating, especially when my doctor is like 45 minutes away and they never see people on time. I would literally be to weak to drive down there and wait. Today alone I ate 5 times (varied size meals), and I'm still hungry but I don't have much to eat here. Here's how it goes.... I wake up i'm starving, I eat. 2 hours later i feel empty and weak i eat again, and the next 2 hours and on and on until i literally fall asleep. Right now its 11:30 i last ate at 8:30 , i'm weak, can't focus, shaking a little, and i feel like i haven't ate all day. i've been peeing all day too. i've even taken to eating these big kashi go lean bars they have 25% of your daily fiber and 20% of your daily protein, but i'm only full for a second (they make me regular). I have this feeling that I will be diabetic one day, and it will kill my spirit. I can't imagine having to manage pricking myself and shooting myself up with drugs everyday. its like my thing with sticks...I can physically drive a stick, but mentally its too much for me to do; I think. My mouth is salivating now (sign of weakness) must go eat yet again... (and i've already brushed my teeth for the night, damn it!)

4/20/05

So it seems like every year, the brilliant minds in tv exec land decide to take some brilliant show that i happen to love off the air, leaving me naked without a blanket of make-believe to wrap myself in. The last few thefts were Sex and the City, Friends, Family Guy (its back though), Soul Food, and some other shit I can't even remember now. I've searched high and low for quality shows I wouldn't feel ashamed for watching since their dearly departure, but have come up kind of short. I've fell into a hole of "reality television" which is exactly what the exec's wanted. My guilty list includes: Amazing Race, The Apprentice, Americas Next Top Model, Making the Band, Real World, RW/RR Challenge, Road to Stardom, College Hill 2, and rarely Bachelor (the guy is really pathetic on there). Some of them are really interesting, but some are just crap. However, in the midst of this degrading slump I did find a gem that I am very proud of. GILMORE GIRLS!!!!!!! I love the Gilmore Girls. I can't go without seeing it. I haven't seen any of the recent episodes on the WB, but i'm watching the syndication on ABC family everyday, and like Justin Timberlake said, "I'm Loving It". This is my new favorite show. I would be so crushed if they took it if the air. There I got it off my chest, go ahead fire :)

4/12/05

Sometimes I wish I weren't such an Amelia Bedelia....

Ever since I was child i've been super investigative about EVERYTHING. From making a trip to the library when I was 5 to find out what dirty things the cereal company was putting in my Cheerios (btw those dirty things turned out to be vitamins and nutrients in the form of Niancin, Riboflavin, etc...), to researching my own eczema when the doctor diagnosed me with a "severe" case of it when I was 9. Be that as it may while I was in New York last month a friend of mine informed me of a rumor she heard about my favorite magazine going bust. I put the rumor aside for the moment, but couldn't completely let go of the idea. So now i'm at home thinking about what magazines i'll buy this month ( I usually buy between 3-5), and it dawns on me that I haven't received my subscription of my yet. So, I did what i do for everything; I researched my love, and much to my dismay the rumor was true : SUEDE MAGAZINE IS OVER!!!!!!!! According to the original press release they are "on hiatus", but in magazine world that means finito. I finally fell in love with a black publication which I felt appropriately embodied a terrific sample of black creativity, and they're taking it away. I hate when black people try to do something positive and they're shot down. I'm so sad. Now I have to continue to read my colorless magazines without the support of Suede. My favorite magazine isin't even from this country, and it costs me double to buy it over here!!!! First the Fat Boys break up, now this!

4/3/05

So it's that time of the year were traditionally, we have been prompted to clean out our houses, and rid ourselves of dirt, grime, and things we simply don't need. Seeing as though i'm extremely clean on an everyday basis, I have decided to use this time to clean out my social life. I have a very stressful life due to personal choices ( pursuing a career in the arts, working p-t), and it seems due to people in my life who just seem to annoy the fuck out of me (and not in a way that I can manage from time to time). So, I am taking it upon myself to rid my life of them. My biggest release will be that of the source of my unrequited affection for a little over a year now. I deleted his e-mails, his phone number, his everything. It had to be done and neither one of us could seem to let go before, so I'll do the honors and start the snipping away. Secondly, people who are in my life who don't believe in my abilities, and look down on me for the choices I make. I do exactly what I want to do in life, i'm free. I don't work 9-5, I don't answer to parents, I don't live for a man, I do what I damn well please. If those around me think I should be doing otherwise, and can't help but to comment about it endlessly, then off with their heads!!! (metaphorically speaking of course). I am a good person (actually better than good considering I pray for others, and will give away my last dime), I'm honest (some would say too much), I work hard, I'm empathetic, I'm intelligent, and I know when enough is enough. So to that I say enough! I can't wait for summer to get here.

3/5/05

random thoughts of course

so i went to new york and it was great as usual. even through all of the snow and dirt, it still was 10x's better than los angeles. i love public transportation when its well built and convenient. i love being out on the town late into the night, early into the next morning. it reminded me of my college days in atlanta, where the marta was remarkably good, and the city went to sleep at around 6am. i love soho, and michael k is one of my favorite shops. unfortunately, i again couldn't find my most desired buy in my size while there, and was outbid for them on ebay. i am scratching and searching for the puma schattenboxen boxing shoe/boot in a size 8, and have had no luck at all. i really love the upper westside, and would die to live there. i know i can't afford it though :(
now back in town i'm a little more even-minded because of my short excursion, but i'm sure that cloud of depression that comes from being here will rear its ugly head again. 1 of my branches of l.a. depression seems to have a sixth sense or something. i keep trying to talk to them to tell them about my desire to no longer associate myself with them, but they keep putting me off. its either that, or they're extremely rude and inconsiderate. all i ask is that people communicate effectively. if someone calls you, return their call that same day. if you can't actually call, then text msg, or e-mail them. never think its okay to call someone back days later. i digress...... its killing me to not be able to just get this off my chest already.

2/20/05

Always Something

So my roommate is cool, especially considering the ones i've had before, and we get along fine. However, there has been this one recurring issue that is bothering the hell out of me now. When she came to interview for the place we talked for like 2 hours that day, and during that talk I told her of the house ways & means if you will. I told her about my level of cleanliness, and how shoes weren't worn inside the house. One reason being the carpet is really light colored, and I hate living in a place with stained carpet throughout. Secondly (but even more importantly) I simply don't agree with wearing shoes inside a carpeted home. I hate the idea of germs, dirt, grime, mud, and all outside elements being ground into the carpet in the house I dwell in everyday. Roommate never had any objections to this, and even said she understood where I was coming from. When she moved in at first she was taking her shoes off, but after a few weeks I noticed she would be all over the house in her shoes. So, I e-mailed her (explaining in the e-mail why I didn't simply approach her because of how strong I come off when you don't know me) just asking her to please remember about the shoes in the house. She agreed, and said that she had forgot about it altogether. Now like 2-3 months later she's doing it again. Cali's having a hell of a rainy season this year. Its crazy nasty here. She's even had non of her guests take their shoes off. One day a male guest of hers wore wet, muddy timb's in the house!!!!! I addressed the shoe issue again, and now she has an attitude. She's not speaking to me (lol), and she stays in her room. This isin't the first time she copped attitude when I asked her about something. I do all, everything pertaining to bills in the house. I collect payment, and mail them out. I spend money on stamps for all this. She never does anything but put the check on the fridge. this month i was really busy so i put the stamped envelope and my check on the fridge for her to send off. she only placed her check on the fridge and didn't bother to mail anything off. as a result the bill was late. when i asked her to write a check she had forgot to write out, she slammed down her laptop, huffed real loud, and snatched the bill of the fridge to look at it. I laughed at her, and asked her if there was a problem. she then went on to say she didn't understand the confusion with the bills. that's when i told her if she wanted to she could do all the bills herself, instead of relying on me to do everything. to that she had no comment..... I hope she can get with the shoe thing if not, she's had plenty of time to speak up about it. the way i see it, she figured she would just do what she wants in that respect, and i wouldn't bother saying anything to her about it. to me that's disrespectful. its like she doesn't respect my comfort level. (excuse the poor spelling and grammar)

2/6/05

Realization that my 20's may not be all that

So I moved here to finish up my last year of undergrad when I was 19, and turned 20 a few months after that. I realized today that I have not had an actual "boyfriend" (title, commitment, etc.) at any point in my 20's. I am 23 (will be 24 end of the year) and have not had a boyfriend at all this era. I haven't even had any potentials. I don't know what the problem is. I thought your 20's were supposed to be the times when you dated around, sought what was out there to be with. I feel that it will be this way for a very long time. I don't see myself meeting anyone, anytime soon.

2/2/05

So last week my toilet wasn't flushing properly, and all the water was rushing up to the top when I attempted to flush, so I went and told the apt. manager. He told me to fill out a maintenance request form so a maintenance man could come out and look at it. As I finished up the form he told me he would come take a look at it (once he got the call he had been waiting on in the office). I said ok , and went on about my business. As I was leaving my apt. I saw him going into mine, and I asked him to be sure to wipe off his feet (it was raining), and lock my door when he left. I returned to my apt. later and when I walked into my bathroom things were different. The carpet on my bedroom floor leading into the bathroom was soaking, my bath rugs were thrown in the tub, and there was water in the corners behind my toilet. I called the manager to ask him what went on, and he said I plunged your toilet. I asked him about the water and he says water ran-over on the floor and rugs. I asked why he didn't leave a note about it (I hate germs), and his reply was "It was clear water, nothing else spilt over". What the fuck do you mean clear, it came from a toilet!!!!! Do you drink water from a toilet simply because its clear? So them I asked him about replacing my rugs, and he says "it's not my fault your toilet was clogged, you shouldn't have been playing around in the back of it" Again, wtf? Me, HUGE germ-a-phobe playing around in the back of a filthy toilet, nigga please. I couldn't believe his incredulous attitude towards ruining my private property. So I did what I do best when I don't feel like arguing, I went above his head. I called the management office (people who own the building), and told them the situation. They promptly compensated me for my rugs, and apologized. So today (rent day) I go to pay my rent and the apt. manager tells me "don't ever ask me to go fix something in your apt. again", since I was already agitated with other shit today, I kind of let loose on his ass. I set him straight on the facts of me never, ever, asking him to enter my apartment to do shit, nathan, nothing!!! Why the fuck would I ask a old grouchy ass hunchback to come in my apt. and fiddle with shit, when we have a team of maintenance people who can come in and do everything. This makes absolutely no sense. I told him to shut the fuck up talking to me, and be sure to stay the hell up out my shit. I hate when people get shit so wrong, logically it doesn't even seem right. He really pissed me the fuck off though

1/31/05

Why people hate...

Let me just say that people hate me. From the second I was born unto this world I have always been a target of hate and despise. My own mother and father didn't want me, my grandmother felt she was burdened, schoolteachers felt like I was a show-off because I knew all the answers to most questions, church members looked down on me because of my grandmothers lies about my behavior, people just fucking hate me. Social workers told me I would never amount to anything, grandmother said I wouldn't live to be 18, and now people at Pepperdine wish to see me fail, be incomplete. They don't know that I left grad school, because I simply don't care about it. If I wanted to hold a Masters, I would lay it down how I did for my Bachelors. These racist, radical christian, white people hate to see success come through someone without them having a hand in it. Let me just say that I've done pretty fucking good for my damn self, and it will only continue to get better, so kiss my beautiful, smug, black ass :)

1/24/05

So i'm maxing and relaxing at home last night, preparing to watch Desperate Housewives when I get a phone call with the area code to where I went to high school (back in Illinois). The phone stops ringing before I can answer it, and no message is left. I'm thinking who the hell could that be, who has my number? So curiosity led me to *67 then *69 the number back (too many detective shows make me this investigative). Much to my dismay, on the other end of the line was a voice that makes my guts lurch. The last ex-boyfriend I had (before I moved to Cali) was on the other end, sounding pathetic and sad. I was like "Hello", and his reply was "Happy New Year daria847" , I was like "who the hell is this" he acts as though i'm supposed to know his voice and shit. I immediately ask him what he wants, and why is he calling and bothering me. He says I was concerned about you, wanted to see how you are...WTF?!!!! Concerned about me? College educated, sarcastic, witty, strong, don't stand for shit me? The same me who left your ass alone, and moved 2000+ miles away, without so much as a phone call or e-mail? Nigga please, you need to worry about yourself. I told him those very words, and his sappy ass reply was "am i not supposed to be concerned" my answer: NIGGA NO. I then told him to not call me ever again, lose my number, and be sure to tell whoever he got my number from to lose it too. Pissed me off calling me like we have some relationship or unfinished business. I had to get hood on his ass and tell him "boy get on" :)

1/22/05

I Think I'm Having a Good Day - Part Deux

Ok so yesterday was a good day. I got my one last wish (he called) and although we didn't talk, (sometimes talking can be too heavy I guess) we hung out and did our usual things together. It was so nice to see him, and know that it wasn't a result of me calling and apologizing for our last fight. I'm hoping it was the start to re-builiding our friendship back up. I really missed him, and i'm glad to know that he's not angry with me (he seemed slight with me when he called earlier during the week). So to God, I am thankful for January 21, 2005 being a very, very, very, good day!!!

1/21/05

I Think It's A Good Day?

Well today I think was a good day. The reason why i'm not quite sure is because "good days" are foreign to me. I wouldn't be able to tell if I were having one, unless I was slapped in the face with it. Today I actually worked out, and the gym was empty :) I love working out alone, by myself. While I was cycling some great news scrolled across the bottom of the t.v. screen: Fcc Chairman Michael Powell resigns!!! Hooray, he is the reason t.v. and movies haven't been the same the past couple years. He's the one caused all the rawkus over the superbowl incident last year. Good riddance to him and his daddy (Colin Powell). Then I went to a audition for a agent. I went in and they loved me!!! They signed me immediately, and set me up on LA Casting , and started submitting me today. This agent is commercial/print. I was very happy with the agency, they seem empathetic to ethnic performers. Then I came home to a vm from another agency. I called them back, and they offered me a trial representation for 3 months, if at the end of the 3 months we still like each other, then we do contract. I was very excited because i've been trying to get with them for about a year now. This is a modeling/print/commercial/tv/ full service agency. 2 agents in 1 day! Then I decided to cook and made the best damn fried chicken and broccoli (for the healthy factor) i've ever had (my roommie agrees). Now i'm full and optimistic about my career, a feeling i've never had all at once. Now all I need for this day to be absolutely perfect is for him to call, and we have a honest, open, conversation. But I guess I can't be greedy.....

1/16/05

What a Fucking Day

The weather for L.A. this week is low-mid 70's all the way through, and I haven't a reason to be happy about it. I have no one to enjoy it with. No one.

1/13/05

I have no happiness in this world. I push and push and push, I always give my all and end up without anything to show for it. I wonder if I were evil and selfish and sinister, would I be in a better position in life. I honestly don't know why it is I awake each day to nothing. I don't deserve this, none of it. My entire life has been despair from birth I don't know why i'm here. I can't imagine things for me any lower than they are now

1/12/05

Epitome

Right now I am the epitome of depression. I hate this city. I hate my new job. I hate my skin. I hate that i don't ever have enough money. I hate that i'm still in the states. I hate that i have nothing to show for the last past 3 years . I hate that i'm not getting anywhere in my career. i hate that no matter how much of a good person i am (excellent if you ask me seeimg as though i take it upon myself to pray for others every night, before i pray for myself), people treat you like shit (literally)! I hate life. i hate this fucked up thing i call life!!!

1/4/05

depressed. using food to fill his place. crappy new job. not enough funds. no agent. debts to pay. no fun. no light. no cheer. no sunshine.

12/29/04

Real America

This is a snippet from the "60 Minutes" airing tonight where Dave Chappelle was interviewed about his struggle to survive in tv land. This quote is the very reason why television lacks color today. Somehow, there are still people who believe that blacks aren't "the american look", when in actuality (thanks to slavery, rape, and genocide) we're more "American" than most whites.

While he was making movies, he was still creating and pitching TV sitcoms, starring himself, which is when the Fox Network called.

"I flew out there for the meeting. And if you can imagine, I was the only black person in the room, and they basically told me that, we'll pick up the show but we want more white characters on it," recalls Chappelle. "For no other reason than they thought it would give the show a more universal appeal. And so I quit."

He walked out of the room after the meeting, and he accused the network of racism. "It was racist. Look, I don't think these people sit around their house and call black people 'n-----s' and all this kind of thing," says Chappelle. "But the idea that, unless I have white people around me on my show, that it's unwatchable or doesn't have a universal appeal, is racist. You know? They don't make them put black people on 'Friends.' Or they don't make them put black people on 'Seinfeld.' But all of a sudden I get in the room, and it's like, 'Where's all the white people?'"

Thank you Dave for keeping it real.

12/26/04

I Wonder...

As far back as I can remember into my young- adulthood, I have always been unlucky in love; always. I've never been with anyone on New Year's, my Birthday, Valentines Day, Christmas, or for that matter Columbus day either! I've only had a few actual boyfriends my entire life (let's just say I can count them on one hand, and still have fingers remaining). I've never, ever, had a guy buy me a gift for any reason whatsoever. I'm now 23 years old, and I'm wondering if I will ever have a real relationship? Will there ever be a man that wants to dote on me? Will I ever be in a relationship around a holiday? Over the years I have even modified my "prototype", to allow for men of other races, artistic life goals, and lack of a college education. I still haven't met anyone, not a single soul. I really don't want to be in my thirties, doing the dating "musical chairs" game, where I go out on dates and more dates, and try to score a good seat on a decent man's lap. To say that i'm having a slump, would be an understatement. If you really want a piece of sizzling info listen to this..... I've managed to have sex 1 time each year, for the past 3 years. So now some of you are probably thinking this entry was prompted by my hormones, but oh contrare. If I wanted to have sex, I could easily pick up a guy while i'm out, i'm just not interested in those type of encounters in the least bit. All I can do is sigh when I think about the lonesomeness 2005 could possibly have in store for me.

12/10/04

Finally

So tonight I finally let everything i've been holding in about asshole out on him. I launched a very thorough verbal assault on him. Don't worry, he earned every single word of it. I was so sick of him acting dumb, and me turning the other cheek, and giving him the benefit of the doubt, and me making up excuses for his behavior. I told him just how sorry I think he is, about his cowardly ways, his neglect, his stupidity, his lack of being a good person. At first I just talked to him how I normally talk to him, but after looking at his dumb ass face I got angrier, and angrier. I finally cursed him the fuck out, and told him how much I actually hate him. I told him how I wish I'd never met him, how my life would have been better off minus him. Honestly at first I felt a little bad, then I thought about all the times I felt bad because of something he'd done, and I kept going. Honestly he was staring at me as though he'd seen a ghost. His eyes were glistening too (no bullshit). I know I must sound like a terrible person, but you have no idea what this guy has put me through this last year, almost all of 2004!!!! After 2 hours of this I finally got cold and thirsty, and decided to leave. He says he'll call tomorrow to finish receiving his verbal ass-whooping (he was at work when I went off on him), that which I don't actually believe (even though he swore to God), but that's cool. I said everything I ever wanted to say tonight, and tomorrow was just another day for me to bring his esteem down another notch.

11/17/04

Dazed and Confused

So today I got another job. This is the third one this month, so far. I found a really cute purse for only $25, and I ate 2 of my favorite foods: pork chops & macaroni & cheese. All in all, one might consider this a good day. However, I can't stop thinking about my current primary source of pain, who also happens to be my current primary source of happiness. The time that we spend together is so beautiful, yet false.... I think. The way we treat one another, our raw emotions, our behaviors, the respect, its all so un-classified. When I get up and walk away from him, treat him mean, push him away, I feel terrible about it, and hope that he never calls again so we can have a "real" break-up. But in spite of all my terrible motions, he calls and pleads to know why, and how can he make it right, and is everything okay. Why is he doing this? He tells me how he appreciates our friendship, respects our union, needs our conversations....when he sees me he holds me as if it were the first time, kisses my forehead, hair, or cheek like its been much too long. He tells me he 100 percent supports any decisions I personally make, and trusts my judgment. I trust him too, I love this man more than I've ever loved another person, my desire for him comes only second to my career, he is my prototype. The problem is I don't want another man like him, I want him; the real thing. I pray about this situation, and tell God how I feel (even though he already knows), I feel like my hands and heart are tied behind my back. I can only do so much pretending.

11/12/04

The Devil Is Back....

That monkey that was slowly falling off my back, is trying to make its way back up. Its a very charming monkey, but still a monkey indeed. I sort of wish he had stayed were he was these past 3 weeks. He's so oblivious to my disdain for him

11/8/04

Why I am who I am

Tons of people wonder why I am the way I am. Why I choose things that seem to be the harder of tasks. Why I strive so hard to always be honest with everyone, including myself. I think Robert Frost describes it best in this poem..
THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

11/3/04

I'm so Fucking Upset

I hate President Bush!!!!! This is the most ignorant, numb, evil, lying president we've had in a while. I happy knowing that I did my part . I seriously am seeking an international man to help me move away from here. This country is going under

10/31/04

So my dreaded birthday is on Monday, and I planned a little outing for myself and a few people, due to the fact that my friends didn't want to hang out this weekend in preparation for halloween festivities on Saturday (hangovers on Sunday). However, my friend came down from up north and said she wanted to hang out so I met up with her. While on my way to pick her up, a mutual friend called and asked me for some contact info on a friend of mine that she'd never met, the gig was up. As much as I tried to suppress my cerebral abilities, I figured out the surprise. I then picked up my friend and requested to go home and change :)
We all met up and went for manicures and pedicures. Then we went over to my favorite restaurant Grand Lux for lunch, where the waiter was less than stellar, but I let him get by with it this time. All in all, it was a nice surprise, and a good beginning to my birthday. I also got my favorite fragrance as a gift: Escada Magnetism. So I was happy yesterday for a change. Thank you guys.

10/20/04

I'm Fucked

I am sooooo in love with this punk. I'm sitting here thinking (2 glasses of wine deep), how much I want to be with him. Half of me hates him for his heart being somewhere else (at least half of it), and the other half of me wants to just lose myself in whoever he is. Feeling this way makes me want to leave his side, not ever speak to him again, slap him ,and curse him for making me feel this way, while at the same time surrendering to what my heart wants to be with him. This madness is sheer agony, my pain is ever more.

10/16/04

Bored out of my fucking mind

I am so bored.... I feel like packing my clothes, tv, and pc into my car, and driving to a new city to set up a new life now. I hate this fucking god forsaken place.

10/14/04

Full.....Finally!

I cooked grilled garlic-infused lamb chops, with Cappelini, and a Pear Cider to top it all off!!!! I'm finally full, after all these hours. Note: try to erase memories of you know who if possible- Reason you ask, because this Pear Cider was from the batch that we had at the beach a few weeks ago. When I took the bottle out of the fridge, it still had sand on it from that night.....

10/10/04

Leaving Shit Behind...

So I have about 1500 dollars to my name, and I really want to utilize it in the best of ways. I must leave this state by 2005 (mid-late) in order to sustain a little sanity, and get back the dignity I used to possess. I want to leave grad school asap because I am bored out of my mind, and can't even do the most menial task associated with it. However, I enjoy my job on campus (it pays okay and I learn a lot), and I want to use my student loan money from second semester to aid in my move. I haven't been this un-happy in a long while, and I know that happiness will never return to me as long as I remain here. I don't want to leave my roommate hanging in terms of having to look for another person.... I am so bored and pained in this life which I live now. I'm almost 23 years old and I can't speak of anything, nothing, that brings joy to my existence. At this point my soul is out to lunch, my heart is near Hades, my mind reads like garbled computer language. God's purpose for my creation is to use me as a prototype for severely abused persons. Black is the color of my life abysmal, blue is the hue of my heart cold from solitude, red is the color of my eyes filled with anger, the ugliest rainbow that ever lived within a woman. My torment is everlasting, eternal. What good is a muscle that only reaps terrible misery and suffering. What good is it to experience an emotion as bleak as pain, heartache, grief, distress, torture. Every night I pray for other people even before I ask for myself. I pray for good things....nothing.
Ah, me! a wretched suffering woman I! O would that I could die! Oh, oh! Would that Heaven's levin bolt would cleave this head in twain! What gain is life to me? Woe, woe is me! O, to die and win release, quitting this loathed existence! What, wilt thou banish me, and to my prayers no pity yield?- Medea

10/9/04

No sleep for the weary, bored, and heart-broken

So yesterday I had the worse sinus headache I can ever remember having in my life, so I broke-down and took some Tylenol Sinus DAY to help with my suffering. Sure enough, the day part was a lie. I was drowsy within minutes. I did everything I could to stay awake, but by 11pm I could no longer take it. I crawled into bed, just barely missing it, salivating at the thought of all the deep sleep that was about to occur- NOT!!! This medicine made me super drowsy yet, took away my ability to sleep. I tossed and turned what seemed like hours, but was actually only 2 before I got a call from the man I want, but who doesn't want me. We talked about various things in life, space, earth, including why we weren't together again. We stayed on the phone until 4am, and I was nowhere near sleepy. So I continued to toss and turn until 9am when I finally got out of bed to go meet the unattainable. He was leaving for a long international trip, and wanted to hang out beforehand. So we hung out for a few hours & got something to eat. I skipped class for this person. Upon leaving him at his home, saying goodbye really hurt as if it were actually the real thing. I have to leave here.... I'm not sure I can be around him like this, then again its hard to not be around him. I'm so fucked up in the head right now. I don't know why God would see fit to introduce my idea of the perfect man in my life, only to have him not want me. I'm so empty inside... I feel like a lonely lovebird without its partner...I can't help feeling this way. Its so hard to be strong and continue to feel these things. I don't want to live here near him, its much too much. Daggers through thine heart would not compare to the excruciating pain of this heartbreak.

10/7/04

joie de vivre?

I want to just get up and fly to europe, and start living a new life. but i don't know anyone overseas, and i don't even speak any languages other than english.... i can't even convert euros to dollars. i'm so exasperated.

10/6/04

where in the world is toronto?

So i'm at work with all these graham-cracker bland people, so I can't help but think about my big move later next year (2005). So far, i'm moving to Toronto but, i've never been. I don't know too much about the place except for medical services are free to citizens, U of T is manageable for citizens, Eaton Centre is really big, and I think I want to live on the downtown area, or Younge & Bloor neighborhood. I just need to get away from here... There has to be better in this world than a country who chooses a man of no wits to be its leader, and was founded on theft, lies, and murder. I want to see what else God made for us. I hate California to pieces, but I thought I needed its services to begin my career. Other countries have television and movies, I can go be a talent elsewhere. Other than that, I have tons of papers and assignments to complete (that I have no interest in), I'm looking for a second job to aid in my saving for leaving and shopping habit, I need beautiful pics to use for pilot season, I'm fighting off a very strong cold that's trying to overcome me, and lastly but not least I'm still trying to figure out a certain someone's message to me, and general motive.... I need answers in the worst way, and he provides me with nada- I'm thinking of doing a spa day for my birthday.....

10/2/04

admission of guilt- its worse than you thought

So I think the best thing for me to do is to admit my feelings freely, so I can go about getting over them . I actually, really, truly, honestly, am in love with this guy. I know, I know, its a sick, sad, thing to experience. I can't get this shit out of my mind. Its there when I sleep, in my dreams, in my non-slumber reality, everywhere. I can't even gain control of my own fucking mind. Since when can the heart outwit the mind? I am a very rational, logical person, and I can't get out of this state of mind. I wish I had some technique where I could erase these thoughts from my mind, and these feelings from my heart. I feel sick....no seriously I do.

10/1/04

Stupid I Am....

So i've been playing it cool with the last guy I dated lately. We've just been working on the friendship we missed out on when we were dating. I was doing a great job of ignoring my feelings for him while in his presence. It hurt like hell to be around him so frequently in similar capacities to when we were seeing each other. I was doing fine until the night I go over his place and find pictures of him and the chick he thinks he might want to be with up. Instantly I felt as if vomit would cover the floor. I told him I had to leave abruptly, and took the cowards way out by simply leaving without addressing the issue. However, by the time I made it to my car the "real me" had prevailed. I turned around and went back into the house to tell him what I was feeling. At first getting the actual message out was difficult for me. I didn't want to mess up the great thing we'd developed since parting ways, but I couldn't hold it in. I told him about my residual feelings for him, and my issue with the pics. He was gracious as ever, gentle, sweet, even apologizing and offering to take the pics down. I hate those traits in him because i'm looking for a reason to hate him. He comforts me, and tells me that everything will be okay, and that they're not even back together. After talking however, I feel the need to tell him EVERYTHING. Soooo, I tell him about the birthday surprise I had in store for him this weekend, and how stupid I feel for having did it for him. I tell him that its embarrassing for me to be doing something like what I had planned for someone who doesn't want me. Again he's sweet and reassuring of the fact that its a beautiful thing, and how he appreciates it to the fullest. So now i'm afraid i've scared him off, and we can't even be friends (even though he stated the contrary). The worst part for me I think is the fact that i'm practically in love with him, and would actually surrender my single life to marry him if he ever asked me to. I don't even believe that marriages work in today's age!!!! I'm so, so , so stupid for spilling my guts, but alas I can't help but be me. And who I am is honest & forthright.

9/27/04

2 "un-official" dates with my ideal man, and a pound of procrastination later...

So I've been having these "friendly" meetings with my ideal man, and they only leave me even more confused about us, than I am about bi-sexuality (which btw I think is just plain gay). I can't be thisclose to someone I just ended things with. I can't look at them as though we've never been anything more than friends. I can't get everything about him out of my mind. All this thinking about him is driving me to procrastinate in completing my school assignments. I've never in all my life been a lollygagger. I like to get my work done in a timely manner. Because of all the memory that this issue is taking up on my hard drive, I can't really take on a whole lot of other things right now. I need to delete him from my thoughts, and make room for other things. It's difficult to do so with the "friendship" that we're building. We're closer now than when we were dating.

9/20/04

Stagnation

Soooo I have so much going on right now. I started grad school a few weeks ago, and boy is it demanding. What makes it even more demanding is the fact that i'm not actually interested in what I'm studying. I am studying for a M.A. Education, hopefully graduating in July 2005. The program consists mainly of papers and discussions. Yeah Grad School!!! I am no longer officially depressed about the boy. Although it seems as though I have no control over that status. Every day is different from the last. My new job at tech support is fruitful. I am learning a lot about Macs. I hope to be as proficient in Macs as I am in PC's by the end of the term. I took my hair out , and my hair is so thin now. So, I had the hairdresser just cut it chin length. I'm going to continue without the relaxer, and perhaps try out a texturizer to capitalize on my natural curl pattern. I have soooo many bills to pay, its like i'm living to work, instead of working to live. Moving to Toronto seems more promising everyday. I'm hoping to pay off 2 of my credit cards this week. I hope I can occupy myself enough to last through living here until July. I feel as though I might just up and leave (it's happened before).

9/12/04

The Incredible Empty Space Which is My Heart

Not that I was in love or anything (though I do think I was on my way) , this woman's eloquent words about how pure and thoughtful love should be when its felt touches my heart. I think I'm the only person in my generation who believes that the old school love can and should exist. The kind of love where you do literally feel incomplete without that person, when you'd do almost anything in this world for them, when you find a way to work around the fact that they just can't seem to pick up after themselves, forgive 1 infidelity, truly love them through thick and thin, when divorce is just a word; and nothing more. Introducing Elizabeth Barrett Browning

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

9/11/04

HMMMM....

Why would a guy call you multiple times, leave you a voicemail, then when you return his calls not call you back at all? I hate men.

9/8/04

Mass Confusion, but Still Okay

So I have mass confusion as to what is going on between myself and my new "friend" (the guy I just parted ways with recently). I'm getting the same type of attention I did when we first started dating. Its like we never even had a fight. The shit is weird frankly. I rely on my ability to not call him unless i'm returning a purposely missed call of his. I can't for the life of me figure out why he would want to break things off with me, only to call me constantly to talk and hang out. I can say that it feels good though. However, I am not relying on his calling me to be the major force in me getting over him. For all I know he could stop calling out of the blue, then where would I be? In other news I started grad school yesterday. I don't really know why i'm there, i'll just stroll through hopefully all the way till' my July graduation . My roommate moved in and she seems really cool. Not cool like the last freaky friday one, honestly cool. We can share stuff without counting the grams we used, walk in each others rooms, use each others things, go out together. It looks like it'll work out. I also have 2 auditions coming up next week. So I have plenty of keep busy work, i'm just hoping it not only occupies my time, but my heart and mind as well.

9/4/04

same ole' stuff

So i'm sitting in my apartment wondering why it is that i'm 22, single, intelligent, funny, open-minded, and I'm alone here. I can't stop wondering if its something i'm doing wrong to ward off any friendships or relationships with men and women. However, I feel that I am not the problem seeing as though i've lived in several different states before, and I have close friends in all of them. I make friends everywhere I go, except for here. Men find me desirable everywhere I go, except here. So I sit here at 5pm on a holiday weekend, drinking wine, listening to love songs, and dreaming of happiness somewhere or with someone. People are saying not to be pessimistic but, i'm not. I'm merely realistic, more so than the average person. I fine it so dis-heartening to sit and think about someone who doesn't want you. I can't stop my head from spinning, my heart from shriveling, my blood from coming to a complete stop.....

8/29/04

Musical Version of My Journal

Sometimes the way events unfold really makes me wonder. So I've been a HUGE Faith Evans fan since her first album, and I have all of her CD's. So today I put in her "Keep the Faith" cd from like 1999 or 1998, and I let it play all the way through, whereas normally I end at "Caramel Kisses". The last track on the cd is "Lately", I had never heard it before in my life. The song is about how lately she's so down because she misses this guy real bad. She talks about how she doesn't feel like smiling, talking to her friends, doing her usual thing. I'm thinking how freaky it is that I would discover this song after all these years right now when i'm experiencing all that she's singing about. I thought Mary J hit stuff on the nose but, I could have wrote this song myself. Now I can't stop playing this song ..... It says all the things that I would write in my journal anyways so....If you want to know what's going on in my life right now just look up Faith Evans "Lately" track 15 from "Keeping the Faith" album, I swear she read my mind on this one.

8/12/04

wavering strength

today's forecast: very fast-paced, yet still very cloudy, gray, sullen. i wish that once you had strength to get through a certain something, you were able to keep it indefinitely.... there's not enough love songs in the world to express the gaping hole in my heart. not enough red wine to drown my sorrows in. not enough "keep-busy" work to take my mind off of this. i wish that amorous feelings could be instantly replaced with feelings of hate.....

8/8/04

Thank You Ryokan

In trying to deal with my pain, I've come across a poet who's words strike me as melodious, soothing, and at times too close to what I actually feel. 2 of his pieces that strum my heart now are below:

Have you forgotten me
Or lost the path here?
I wait for you
All day, every day
But you do not appear
--Ryokan

My sleeves are wet with tears
Brooding on the ups and downs
Of which so full is the world
As it goes shifting on and on
--Ryokan

8/6/04

i hate that i can just break into tears at any moment. i hate this pain . i hate the emptiness i now have to feel. between the angry volcano in my stomach and the hollow cave in my heart, i don't want to breathe. why won't god help me to stop hurting. i feel like an abandoned child.....again. never before have tears been so continuous before

8/5/04

again and again

It's Thursday late evening, I haven't left my house since Tuesday afternoon.

8/4/04

My new favorite fruit

My new favorite fruit is pluots. I don't know exactly what they are , or where they come from though I do assume they are relatives of the plum. They are a little sweet, with a whole lot of sour. Yum!!! I just hope my new ultra-sensitive stomach can tolerate them.

7/25/04

mental reprieve

Why is it so hard to stop your own mind from having certain thoughts? I am so trying to get over him. I think I've made some progress although i still can't completely go a day without a thought of him. What ever happened to the old ways of courtship? You go out on a few dates, you're gf & bf, you make a decision about whether or not you want to be married, then you either do marry, or move on. I'm not saying I want to be married, i'm saying i'd like clarification. I'm actually nervous to have him come back, i'm afraid of what he'll tell me about his dalliances with his last ex gf. I am really, really, busy right now. I have 2 jobs, i'm trying to register for my first year of grad school, i'm still trying to obtain my career...however, because I am a "type a "personality, i'm used to taking on everything all at the same time. so no matter what, i'll always be able to make time for the things that I want, no matter how busy i already am. I need a mental reprieve.