8/16/06

People want to know why....

I consider myself to be an open book. It's not that I walk around offering up details about my current life or past, but if someone asks me I definitely don't see a reason to hold back. I would have to say that I personally have tenements of life I made for myself to abide by, and the first one is to always be truthful with myself foremost, as well as others. Society has always had a love/hate relationship with the truth. While most people claim to want the truth, they simply can't stomach it. There are a couple of figures in the media I feel are for the most part very honest about their lives: Augusten Burroughs (his books are empowering), Drew Barrymore (her drug use and family drama are things people usually hide), and Christina Aguilera (track titled "Still Dirrty" on her new LP).

Usually when I open up about things of my past, people tend to look aghast and wonder aloud why/who/when/how? I always say that your past only determines a small amount of your future. In my case, life doesn't seem to be getting much better so my past dictates my attitudes toward my current standing in the universe. Perfect example would be the reason behind why i'm so strong, independent, and on this "I don't need humans" kick.

I hate asking people for anything, needing people, or even wanting the opinions of others. I have never in all my life been able to rely on a single sole on this planet. People have always been a constant disappointment to me, leaving me to always fend for myself. I have been my best supporter, best adviser, best friend, an overall rock to myself. Just recently I completed a new photo shoot of over 300 shots, and I was overwhelmed by all the different looks. Normally in the business, your agent or someone with a professional photographic eye goes over your proofs and tells you which ones look best to get printed up for your headshots. Since my agent here has been giving me the runaround, I decided to let down my stance, and ask some of my friends & contacts for their help. This whole process started 3 weeks ago, to this day I have only 1 reply from this agent I sent my stuff to (who says they don't have the time to look at them), and that's it! No one else had even bothered to reply to my numerous e-mails for help. This is not some frivolous request for compliments, this is my fucking career we're talking about. This thing i've sacrificed so much to attain, and all those people who claim they like and/or love me can't seem to find it in their hearts to assist me with this one thing.
So people want to know why i'm so hardened, why i'm so strong, why i'm so on my own, it's because people made me this way. So as I sit here pouring over the hundreds of pictures of myself, it builds up anger, resentment, and strength inside of me. To be a even stronger woman than I already am (which I didn't believe to be possible). It is what it is....

There's a saying that goes "I don't need sex, life fucks me whenever it can".