7/10/04

I went to New York, Ohio, and New Jersey last week for a week long trip away from la-la land, I had a great time. My friend from my college days in Ohio invited me out, and we hung out with her family. Being around her 2 younger siblings even further solidified my notion of not having the desire to bear children. Being around her family also made me melancholy, families always have the ability to remind me of what I don't have, and what i'll never experience; Unconditional love, support, and pride that can only be derived from blood relatives. Oh well...... On an even darker note, I feel more alone now than before I started seeing the guy I'm seeing. I was doing perfect in my solitude of over 2.5 years, and then he had to come along and muck it up for me. Once a fire has been put out, completely doused with water, its pretty much dead. However, when one fiery ember does manage to ignite a fire again, it stirs all the other embers as well. Chain reactions are a bitch. As i've always known, I will be forever alone. God intentionally put me here on earth to wander around in a state of depression, until I finally succumb to the devil and commit the ultimate sin: murder of thine self. My heart is heavy and weak with misery, thy eyes drip with grief.