6/5/04

How can I be expected to go on?

I remember my childhood very vividly. I remember suffering terrible things at the hands of those who were suppossed to protect and love me. I remember being able to bounce back, and still move forward with my life. I remember being able to still smile genuinely, and derive joy from simple unprecedented places in life. I no longer have that ability; that sweet, innocent, ignorance which young people are privy to. I now know that everything I do in my life will be difficult, and will result in pain for me. I can't even come to a logical reason as to why I awake each day to face the things which are put before me. Everywhere I go i'm tempted by sin to do something that I know will provide me with a positive gain here on Earth, but almost certainly carve me a placemat in hell. I'm not a bad person, I don't break many of the commandments often, and certainly not on purpose. I've done so much for myself and yet I still have nothing. People think that in this life you only need money to succeed but, the truth of the matter is if you don't have people behind you who love you, and want to see only good things turn out for you, your entire existence is quite meaningless. Trust that I know everything that I say is truer than absolut truth itself. Last week when I was sleep on my living room couch I felt a presence in the room. I turned over on my side and on top of my coffee table was a white shadowy female figure. I simply shrugged it off as a ghost and rolled back over. I now think that maybe it was a sign, a spirit, telling me that my suffering would soon end. I can only hope so............ My tears feel like hot undeserving lava, which flows forever......................i can't

Current Mood: