5/31/04

Dear God I need you now

I am completely, utterly, and hopelessly depressed..... I feel as if I will always be struck with heavy bouts of depression until the day I die. For this pain and struggle I blame my blood family. For bringing me into this world, abusing me until they were bored with it, and then passing me off unto the wild for any other beast to finish me off. I blame my mother for having unprotected sex at 17, and then not getting an abortion. I blame my grandmother for raising her in a abusive household, beginning what will forever be a chain of sadness for her offspring. I blame mother for not being a strong enough woman to not succumb to the nightmares, and turning to sex, drugs, booze, and abuse. I blame my grandmother for teaching her children to hate, and to be evil, even to one another. I blame her for not hugging and kissing them, and for not telling them she treasured them. I blame her for raisng her hand to me with whatever object she could find. I blame her for her ignorance of believeing that white people are better than her own black, thus opening the door for my first sexual abuse experience. I 've run out of people to blame, I don't know where else to turn. All I know is that I have trust issues, abandonment issues, love issues, affection issues, sex issues, and now issues with holding God's word to my heart. There is a scripture "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths" (Proverbs 3:5-6) I have so tried to follow this all my life. I've tried to not question God, and just believe in his purpose and ability, but I don't know anymore. I love the Lord................but I know that no one loves me. I even chose the wrong career path, one that brings constant uncertainty, why am I here? Everyday is like a slow death, my heart weighs in as the heaviest thing on me. I can't breath