11/17/04

Dazed and Confused

So today I got another job. This is the third one this month, so far. I found a really cute purse for only $25, and I ate 2 of my favorite foods: pork chops & macaroni & cheese. All in all, one might consider this a good day. However, I can't stop thinking about my current primary source of pain, who also happens to be my current primary source of happiness. The time that we spend together is so beautiful, yet false.... I think. The way we treat one another, our raw emotions, our behaviors, the respect, its all so un-classified. When I get up and walk away from him, treat him mean, push him away, I feel terrible about it, and hope that he never calls again so we can have a "real" break-up. But in spite of all my terrible motions, he calls and pleads to know why, and how can he make it right, and is everything okay. Why is he doing this? He tells me how he appreciates our friendship, respects our union, needs our conversations....when he sees me he holds me as if it were the first time, kisses my forehead, hair, or cheek like its been much too long. He tells me he 100 percent supports any decisions I personally make, and trusts my judgment. I trust him too, I love this man more than I've ever loved another person, my desire for him comes only second to my career, he is my prototype. The problem is I don't want another man like him, I want him; the real thing. I pray about this situation, and tell God how I feel (even though he already knows), I feel like my hands and heart are tied behind my back. I can only do so much pretending.