10/1/04

Stupid I Am....

So i've been playing it cool with the last guy I dated lately. We've just been working on the friendship we missed out on when we were dating. I was doing a great job of ignoring my feelings for him while in his presence. It hurt like hell to be around him so frequently in similar capacities to when we were seeing each other. I was doing fine until the night I go over his place and find pictures of him and the chick he thinks he might want to be with up. Instantly I felt as if vomit would cover the floor. I told him I had to leave abruptly, and took the cowards way out by simply leaving without addressing the issue. However, by the time I made it to my car the "real me" had prevailed. I turned around and went back into the house to tell him what I was feeling. At first getting the actual message out was difficult for me. I didn't want to mess up the great thing we'd developed since parting ways, but I couldn't hold it in. I told him about my residual feelings for him, and my issue with the pics. He was gracious as ever, gentle, sweet, even apologizing and offering to take the pics down. I hate those traits in him because i'm looking for a reason to hate him. He comforts me, and tells me that everything will be okay, and that they're not even back together. After talking however, I feel the need to tell him EVERYTHING. Soooo, I tell him about the birthday surprise I had in store for him this weekend, and how stupid I feel for having did it for him. I tell him that its embarrassing for me to be doing something like what I had planned for someone who doesn't want me. Again he's sweet and reassuring of the fact that its a beautiful thing, and how he appreciates it to the fullest. So now i'm afraid i've scared him off, and we can't even be friends (even though he stated the contrary). The worst part for me I think is the fact that i'm practically in love with him, and would actually surrender my single life to marry him if he ever asked me to. I don't even believe that marriages work in today's age!!!! I'm so, so , so stupid for spilling my guts, but alas I can't help but be me. And who I am is honest & forthright.