10/10/04

Leaving Shit Behind...

So I have about 1500 dollars to my name, and I really want to utilize it in the best of ways. I must leave this state by 2005 (mid-late) in order to sustain a little sanity, and get back the dignity I used to possess. I want to leave grad school asap because I am bored out of my mind, and can't even do the most menial task associated with it. However, I enjoy my job on campus (it pays okay and I learn a lot), and I want to use my student loan money from second semester to aid in my move. I haven't been this un-happy in a long while, and I know that happiness will never return to me as long as I remain here. I don't want to leave my roommate hanging in terms of having to look for another person.... I am so bored and pained in this life which I live now. I'm almost 23 years old and I can't speak of anything, nothing, that brings joy to my existence. At this point my soul is out to lunch, my heart is near Hades, my mind reads like garbled computer language. God's purpose for my creation is to use me as a prototype for severely abused persons. Black is the color of my life abysmal, blue is the hue of my heart cold from solitude, red is the color of my eyes filled with anger, the ugliest rainbow that ever lived within a woman. My torment is everlasting, eternal. What good is a muscle that only reaps terrible misery and suffering. What good is it to experience an emotion as bleak as pain, heartache, grief, distress, torture. Every night I pray for other people even before I ask for myself. I pray for good things....nothing.
Ah, me! a wretched suffering woman I! O would that I could die! Oh, oh! Would that Heaven's levin bolt would cleave this head in twain! What gain is life to me? Woe, woe is me! O, to die and win release, quitting this loathed existence! What, wilt thou banish me, and to my prayers no pity yield?- Medea